If you’re like me, you’re thinking that Roger Federer’s recent Wimbledon title would have been even more meaningful and historic had he been coming off a victory in the French Open, the only Grand Slam to elude him. You’d also be wishing he’d been able to pull it off, but also thinking his archrival Rafael Nadal looks pretty unbeatable at the French Open – after all, he’s still never lost there. The question is: how can Federer finally get it done? How can he overcome this seemingly unstoppable force on the clay courts? Surely this is a question that fazes many; luckily, I have come up with a sensible solution that has been proven to work.
The plan? Rafael Nadal gets stabbed. This strategy has worked once before. Sure, Seles won a Grand Slam after returning, but she was winning them left and right before. All you need is some lax security and a deranged fan. (Note: this deranged fan must, like Graf’s, have no intention of actually killing Nadal. I mean, really, what do you think I am, crazy or something?) As soon as the stabbing happened, Graf went back to #1. She was unstoppable again. No doubt the stabber was a personal hero of hers; surely she expressed to him her deep gratitude. It’s similar to when John Hinckley tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan to impress Jodie Foster or, to use a more serious example, the “Jack-aaaaaaaassssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!” guy running over Happy Gilmore – really, what’s the downside?
The stabbing kept Seles out for around two years. If Nadal suffers similar psychological consequences and he is out of competition that long (and never quite the same after he gets back) – imagine the possibilities. Federer will only be 26 at the time of next year’s French Open. Think of how many golden opportunities that leaves him to win the tournament. He has clearly become the second-best player on clay behind Nadal; with that many chances, he has to win it at least one time.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. If Federer doesn’t have to go through Nadal to win, won’t his victories be tainted in some way? To those of you, I ask: where on earth is your competitive spirit? What truly matters is not the integrity of the game…what matters is winning (and prize money). Ask Federer and I bet he’d agree. What’s that? You’re concerned about Nadal’s health in the event he gets stabbed? Seriously? Wow, tough crowd. I said he wouldn’t get killed, didn’t I? Just stabbed. It would be exactly like the Seles incident, because after all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Rafael Nadal just looks unbeatable at Roland Garros, let’s face it. The time has come to contemplate drastic measures to end his reign, because without them, it doesn’t seem like he’s going to stop hoisting that trophy anytime soon. If this plan were to be enacted, just look at the positives involved for each party:
- Wins career and calendar Grand Slam, goes down in history as greatest player of all time, even though he doesn’t have to beat his main nemesis to do it
- Looked upon fondly in tennis annals for enabling such historic runs of championships, is befriended by a grateful Federer
- Not killed
It really does leave everyone satisfied. As was said earlier, there is no apparent downside to this plan. It answers the major question in the tennis world and does so without a single fatality. Such is its brilliance that I would love to take all the credit, but alas, it has been done before. And with good reason – what hasn’t a nice little stabbing incident ever solved? Surely Nadal would understand.