Puppy Bowl IV is over and it’s that time again to survey the damage that Animal Planet has no doubt inflicted on our great nation. I watched the Puppy Bowl along with the rest of the world from approximately 3 PM to 11 PM yesterday. What I saw was horrifying.
Crazed adolescent dogs, or “puppies” as they are sometimes called, were released into a box done up to resemble a football field. The puppies are of course cute and fun to watch, however the politics of the game they were forced to play was anything but playful. The rules of the game are incredibly rigid. There are penalty flags thrown if a dog lingers near the communal water bowl for an extended period of time, if a dog is too “unruly”, or even if a dog relieves himself or herself on the field. Penalties are called by none other than a faceless drone of Animal Planet garbed in a referee outfit that was clearly purchased from a Halloween store 4 years ago. The costumes hat was even missing…Shabby. I do however feel for the man in that tight black and white striped costume. He seemed to have no personality and almost appeared to be taking things too seriously. These qualities are of course what one wants in a sports official, however in reality, throwing yellow flags at dogs isn’t really what I would call refereeing.
Honestly even though my opinion of that referee is somewhat geared towards hatred, I feel I must speak in defense of him. Not only is this 30 something man well versed in puppy football rules, he is also probably the hardest working actor in America. His job description entails that he call a fair game, not be allergic to dog hair, and also that he must clean up after the players. The referee not only had to vacuum the field, but also had to clean up dog feces and urine with a paper towel. Shockingly while he vacuumed and cleaned, he was also forced to plug the cleaning products as a marketing ploy!
My heart broke for him every time he knew he had to call a penalty for urinating on the field only to confirm he needed to then disinfect the area and spew the wondrous perks of using Bissel products. Bissel by the way also sponsored the Kitty Half Time Show which features cats on a stage doing nothing…Yup.
In closing, I just have to say to that referee: “Please don’t do anything you’ll regret. Things could be worse.” Also in case anyone was wondering, the MVP (Most Valuable Puppy) of the “game” was none other than my power pick from last week, Action Jackson, a white West Highland Terrier. The Puppy Bowl was also broadcast in Hi-Def. It wasn’t noticeable.