Keep reading for live, up to the minute Oscar 2007 coverage.

PRESHOW

7:47 – Ryan Seacrest is never in on jokes. While setting Kate Winslet up for a taped clip by Ricky Gervais, he called him “Ricky Jarvis.” How could anyone not know his name?

8:08 – The costume designer than Anne Hathaway is standing next to was a real beast of a woman, with her glowing red hair. She acted like she was the single mom that isn’t afraid to buy alcohol for her daughter’s friends.

8:14 – While the Vogue guy (looks like Forest Whitaker) interviewed Will Smith, my mom asked, “So does he only interview the black people?”

8:16 – Eddie Murphy showed he can still make a joke once a year when he said, “I like all my movies… even Pluto Nash!” I guess it was too soon to say Norbit?

SHOW

8:30 – So, is this the entire intro? Each of the nominees gets to say one line in front of a white screen? I figured out how to get a laugh if I were in that intro; just stare at the camera and don’t say anything. Guaranteed comedy gold.

8:36 – Here comes Ellen! And there goes Ellen, bombing. Did she just write this intro with a group of old people 15 minutes ago? But, what she lacks in jokes tonight, she is totally making up for in velvet suit-age.

8:42 – Ellen gets off a zinger about Gore actually winning the election… the liberal crowd explodes with laughter like they haven’t heard the same joke for 7 years. As Pete says in the comments, “it got a rise out of the crowd like it was Def Comedy jam.”

8:45 – Best Art Direction -Pan’s Labyrinth. Daniel Craig looks fantastic, I’m not gonna lie. He actually looks better than Nicole Kidman. This is the first of what I think is going to be many, many Oscars for Pan’s Labyrinth.

8:48 – I would love to go to the Scientific and Technical Awards. It’s probably like Oscar’s geeky cousin. A bunch of nerds gawking over the few celebrities that are paid to show up… I’d fit right in.

8:51 – iPhone commercial! I knew it was coming tonight but I didn’t think it would be the first one. I know I’m an Apple fanboy, but I thought it was fantastic.

8:53 – Jack Black, John C. Riley, Will Ferrell. Best part of tonight, hands down. Why couldn’t the 3 of them host?

8:57 – Achievement in Makeup – Pan’s Labyrinth. Again, no surprise. Hollywood really loves this movie.

9:00 – Best Animated Short – The Danish Poet. ADORABLE. I’ve been getting a little sick of Abigail Breslin lately because she is just getting talked about so much, but that was the cutest presentation I’ve ever seen. But I’d give 75% of the cuteness to Jaden.

9:03 – Best Live Short – West Bank Story. Not sure what to say… these early awards are so boring. Don’t worry, Pete. No one can fault you for not making the right predictions here. These awards should not even count, Oscars are for millionaires and big time studios.

9:11 – I don’t know if the Oscars included this sound effects choir because they had space to fill or something, but it was fantastic. People making cool sound effects with their mouth? Awesome.

9:14 – Best Sound Editing – Letters from Iwo Jima. They couldn’t have used Steve Carell for anything funnier? That was a Greg Kinnear-quality joke.

9:17 – Sound Mixing – Dreamgirls. I can’t believe there are two different sound categories. Can’t they just consider mixing a part of the editing process? Also, Jessica Biel looks ok, but that hot pink dress is a mistake.

9:22 – Best Actor in a Supporting Role – Alan Arkin (Little Miss Sunshine). I’m glad he won, he deserved it. I think this is how they are going to honor LMS, because I can’t imagine it wins any other awards. Glenn, I don’t know why you hate handwriting so much. Would you prefer this Hollywood legend typed his speeches?

9:30 – James Taylor and Randy Newman took the mood of the entire night down in 2 minutes. I didn’t even see Cars and now I just want Lightning McQueen to realize that he’s not lost, because you are never lost when you are with people you love. Also, I think Melissa Etheridge and Ellen Degeneres have combined to make tonight the biggest lesbian Oscars ever!

9:43 – Best Animated Film – Happy Feet. Weak year for animated films. It was obvious that they were going to pick Happy Feet though because Hollywood is eco-crazy and the movie had a message about global warming.

9:49 – Jack Nicholson is just going for shock value with his hair. When he wrote that thing on the card, I realized that everything he does is a hilarious inside joke that only other actors get.

9:52 – Best Adapted Screenplay – The Departed. I was torn between Borat and Children of Men, but lucky for me neither of them won, so I didn’t have to choose. I liked the departed but I hope tonight doesn’t turn into one big Departed love-fest.

9:56 – Wes Anderson commercial, I know Pete and I are big fans.

10:00 – Best Costume Design – Marie Antoinette. That was, maybe, the most awkward thing I’ve ever seen on TV. I guess look-alikes need work too, but I felt uncomfortable for the people in the costumes knowing that the real actors are in the same room as them. Also, Glenn, tell Anne Hathaway to stop giggling.

10:11 – Best Cinematography – Pan’s Labyrinth. I figured there was no way Children of Men lost. It looked different than any movie I’ve ever seen. But, of course, tonight is all about Pan’s Labyrinth. At least his resume is impressive, with visual masterpieces like Spy Kids and Night At The Museum.

10:20 – Best Visual Effects – Pirates of the Carribean 2: Dead Man’s Chest. This is the category America loves, full of movies that were OK with critics but pulled in the big bucks because they looked cool.

10:23 – This is the longest foreign film montage that has ever been produced. I feel like I know every single movie that was ever made off American soil.

10:29 – Best Foreign Language Film – The Lives of Others. I have this movie, I like this movie a lot. But there is no way I would have EVER picked it to beat Pan’s Labyrinth. I’d call this a classy movie by the academy. But, it has to hurt all those Oscar pools out there.

10:36 – Best Actress in a Supporting Role – Jennifer Hudson (Dreamgirls). Hey Glenn, our mortal enemy Abigail Breslin lost! Let’s celebrate. I don’t really care for Jennifer Hudson, she’s always talking trash about American Idol because she is a sore loser.

10:43 – Best Documentary Short Subject – The Blood of Yingzhou District. I totally called this one, there is no way it was going to lose to Two Hands.

10:47 – Best Documentary Feature – An Inconvenient Truth. Jerry Seinfeld is still sort of not funny (As I wrote the first one, his act started slipping toward pure crap, so I changed it), but he is just so arrogant. I haven’t seen him be happy since his show ended; he just knows he is better than all of us. This was the easiest prediction of the night, in my opinion. Like I said before, global warming is Hollywood’s hot liberal guilt cause this year.

10:56 – There is no way anyone is enjoying this “performance” by Canadienne songstress Celine Dion. Although, the uproarious applause she received afterwards would indicate otherwise.

10:59 – I think if I knew Italian, I’d be in tears right now, because Ennio Morricone’s speech looks like the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. Thank God Clint Eastwood speaks every language, or at least knows how to fake it. Quincy Jones is wearing a fantastic suit.

11:08 – Best Original Score – Babel. Isn’t it strange how different accents say Babel differently? We say (ba-bul). The English say (bay-bul). The Spanish say (bah-behl).

11:13 – Best Original Screenplay – Little Miss Sunshine. I love the way they announce the nominees for this, it’s so interesting to see what the screenplay sounded like. I also love that this LMS won in this category, it undoubtedly deserved it. I read an article once about the writer, and his life was in complete shambles before he wrote this movie. Pretty cool.

11:22 – Hey, did you guys know Jennifer Hudson had boobs? Because if you didn’t, her dress probably changed that pretty quickly. I think that if I saw Dreamgirls, I’d be even more bored than I am right now. Are they just going to spend the next 2 hours singing the entire movie?

11:29 – Best Original Song – Melissa Etheridge, “I Need To Wake Up” (An Inconvenient Truth). And the lesbian monopoly continues! After hearing her song and the ones from Dreamgirls, there is no question that she did not deserve to win. I like the fight against global warming, I’m an moderate liberal, but this is just too much. We get it, you are concerned about something.

11:35 – I honestly have no idea what this excruciatingly long montage is about. Race? Religion? America? War? Was that just Hollywood saying “Look, we make movies about important things!” I’m so done with the West Coast ego we’ve been subjected

11:42 – Achievement in Film Editing – The Departed. We all liked The Departed, but was the editing really that impressive? I’ve always thought this was a fake category, anyway. The way they clapped before she even said anything, they might just be honoring “a legend” with this one. Children of Men, ripped off twice now.

11:45 – Hey Pete and Glenn, are you going to change the channel while we honor the dead, too? Personally, I’m shedding a tear for every individual that passed on this year. I’ve always wanted to be a guy who gets an awkward smattering of applause right before some legend gets a standing ovation, it’s a career goal I think I can achieve.

11:54 – Best Actress in a Leading Role – Helen Mirren. Easy one to predict. What an ego she has! Throwing her statue into the air, pronouncing herself “The Queen.” If she wasn’t oddly hot, I’d be mad at her right now. But she is, so I’m not.

12:03 – Best Actor is a Leading Role – Forest Whitaker. This is the one Pete was adamant about. He didn’t see the movie, but he was sure Forest Whitaker was going to win. He was right! This might be the one that puts you back on track, Pete. Forest Whitaker is such a cool guy, his speech might be the best one I’ve ever heard. I just want to cry now, like everyone in the building is. (FYI, he is the first black man to ever win the award. Congrats, Forest!)

12:08 – Best Director – Martin Scorsese. Of course, there was no doubt he’d win this one. He had not won in 6 attempts before tonight, and he was due. Unlike editing, it was clear that the direction of this film was wonderful. Italian Americans across this nation, let’s go celebrate!

12:14 – Best Picture – The Departed.  Congratulations, The Departed!  I think, in our collective minds, it was between The Departed and Babel.  I wish they would have chosen anyone else to give the speech, but it doesn’t matter.  The Departed has won, and the night is finally over (over 4 hours is not an easy amount to sit and type)!  So, to all my readers and fellow bloggers, I say goodnight.  Sleep well, with visions of Helen Mirren swimming through your dreams.  I know I will.

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