If you’ve been following the news at all lately, you know who I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby is.  For those who don’t, from his wikipedia:

Before being indicted, he was the Chief of Staff to Vice President Dick Cheney, assistant to the Vice President for national security affairs, and an assistant to President George W. Bush, from 2001 to 2005… Libby resigned his government position, hours after being indicted on five felony counts (one count of obstruction of justice, two counts of making false statements, and two counts of perjury) by a U.S. Department of Justice Office of Special Counsel as part of the CIA leak grand jury investigation, a federal inquiry “into the alleged unauthorized disclosure of a CIA employee’s identity.”

Libby was convicted on 4 of the 5 charges on March 6, 2007.  He has been called “the highest-ranking White House official convicted in a government scandal since National Security Advisor John Poindexter in the Iran-Contra Affair” in the 1980’s.  But what does this have to do with a mostly non-political blog, you might ask?  Well, while watching The Colbert Report tonight, I learned that he wrote a book in 2001.  So I did some research… and it is AWESOME.  From what I could tell glancing through the Amazon “Search Inside” feature, it’s a porn book.  Written by Dick Cheney’s right-hand man.  While he was in office.  God bless America. Keep reading for actual excerpts from the book.

I copied down the part Colbert featured tonight, and then the section immediately following it.  Credit for finding this awesomeness goes to Colbert’s guys, but I added my own little section so I wasn’t just passing on information.  On page 81;

At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons.  They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.

Not creepy enough for you?  It gets weirder on page 82;

“Then,” Ueda said, “they trained the young whore in all of the finest ways to pleasure men.  They gave her wooden penises and taught her how to handle them”… “They taught her how to draw pubic hair on her mound,” Ueda laughed, “because she was still too young to have any of her own.”  A fat woman on the far side of the fire laughed out until tears streamed down her face and her side rocked… laughing harder, she pulled her hand out with pubic hairs stuck between her swollen fingers and flung them at the men around the fire. “No ink here.”

After this, they go on to describe the graphic sex with the Japanese 10 year old prostitute.  I won’t transcribe that, because I think you’ve all read enough Japanese porno novels to know exactly what it sounded like.  But I just want you to think about this for a moment… had he not given away the secret identity of a CIA agent, the author of this insane, creepy novel would still be a high-ranking member of the Bush cabinet.  Undoubtedly, his close friends were forced to read this book out of common courtesy (like how I read Glenn’s blog posts, even though I hate every word he says).  That means Cheney and Bush have both picked up this book and spent time reading about wearing-in prepubescent Japanese whores.  And I don’t think I’m going too far in saying that no one just “reads” this book.  Am I implying that the President and Vice President touched themselves while reading this book?  Of course not, that would get me thrown in jail immediately for slander.  Presidents who aren’t Clinton don’t masturbate, it’s in the Constitution.  All I’m saying is lets keep those hands on the table when we read The Apprentice, Mr. Cheney.  As long as I can see those hands, we don’t have a problem.  To those of us not involved in politics, though, please get turned on by the words of Scooter Libby.  Hopefully his cell mate in federal prison will pick up a copy of this impressive piece of fiction and get a few ideas.  I know I did… looks like someone is going early 20th century Northern Japan for spring break!

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