Is he the kind of guy you can tell is a tool just by looking at him?

…why, yes. Yes, in fact, he is.

I’m not the first to do this. I won’t be the last (which should already tell you something). The best examples of blogs taking aim at this guy come courtesy of firejoemorgan and Deadspin, and can be found here, here, and here. I’m not going to focus on what they say so much as a couple clips of him I heard courtesy of fellow wordpressers Loserwithsocks, with the specific post linked here.

One thing I should say is that these clips are pretty old. This isn’t new material, but his is still pretty much the prevailing attitude, so even though it feels a little strange to be rehashing what was said months ago, spring practice season is just ending and it’s a time for college football. Now, on to these glorious audio clips.

The first time “in the Herd,” Cowherd downplays West Virginia’s victory over Georgia in the 2006 Sugar Bowl, saying it was Georgia’s “7th biggest game” of that year.

…No. No. No. What the fuck. This is so wrong. This is completely false. The Sugar Bowl is A BCS BOWL GAME. A BCS BOWL GAME is the game every team in college football works to get to. They are the ultimate goals of each team heading into the year. It was not Georgia’s 7th biggest game. That is preposterous.

Maybe what Cowherd meant to say was that West Virginia was the 7th best team Georgia faced all year. If this is truly what he meant, it would have made more sense, but not been such a positive reflection on how good he is at his job – after all, he is a radio personality, and radio personalities can be rightfully expected to be able to put into words what they are thinking. Also, even if this is what he had meant, it is almost certainly false once again. After all, Georgia went 10-3 that season, and with WVU obviously being one of the losses, that means they would have had to beat four teams better than WVU for this to be correct. I don’t think I’m wrong for saying this is rather unlikely.

He also said coaches at “elite” schools can’t motivate their players for teams like WVU because “they see how small they are” on film. If a coach can’t motivate his team to play the Sugar bowl champions (i.e., champions of A BCS BOWL GAME), then that is his fucking problem, and he’s probably a shitty motivator in that case. He goes on to compare West Virginia not playing as many “tough” games to someone calling themselves a party animal, even if they only go crazy once every three weeks. It, as you can figure out, has absolutely nothing to do with football. Then, he impersonates people who think they are party animals but do not go out often enough to live up to his “party animal” expectations. Needless to say, none of it is funny.

He goes on to say the Big East “doesn’t deserve to be a topic, really” and is “an ice cream parlor in a world of steakhouses.” This analogy not only has nothing to do with football, it makes no sense. Maybe “a fast-food joint in a world of steakhouses” would have made more sense (and also, granted, been totally hackneyed), but this is not what he said. He compared two eating establishments that serve entirely different purposes.

Time to move on to the second clip. At first, he almost sounded like he was coming in with a compliment following the fantastic Rutgers-Louisville game last November 9: he called Big East football “fun to watch.” He quickly followed with, “I still don’t think it’s big-time, but I think it’s fun to watch.”

Oh well. Shouldn’t have figured it would last. But then, does he actually come in with a compliment about Rutgers? He says, “I don’t think there’s any reason why Rutgers can’t be a national football power.” Surely, this will not last either, correct?…….Correct.

He then reveals he has been employing his especially witty brand of sarcasm the entire time, saying all the “acid washed jeans” and “strip malls” and “cloud of hairspray” of New Jersey must make it hard for teams to concentrate on beating RU. He has a reason for saying this, as it is a known fact that the #1 thing to pop into players’ minds during games is “Wow, I can’t believe all those strip malls and acid-washed jeans, they’re really distracting me from playing this game!” Yes, I know it was a joke, but once again, a completely unfunny one.

Speaking of which, he follows that gem up with his rendition of “Rutgers’ fight song.” I’m going to try and transcribe what happens next.

“Hail, hail to da Scarlet Knights…I’ll hit you in da mouth to win this fight…clap, clap, clap or I’ll break your kneeee-cap…What’d you say? (bleep) “Yeah, F you buddy!” “Yeah, your mom’s a Scarlet (bleep) Knight.” “Hey, hey, show a little respect, ah? Don’t disrespect the 732!”…Duh duh duh duh duh duh duh and hail to the Scarlet Knights.” He then follows it up by saying how the “mob ties in New Jersey…could really intimidate BCS pollsters.”

I’m not sure where to start here. I think it goes without saying that he “sang” that “fight song” completely off-key and off-beat in a “comical” New Jersey mobster, attempt at Tony Soprano-esque accent. The reason “comical” is in quotes there is that though this was a pitiful attempt at humor, the piece did not actually contain any of it. Also, you have to love his creativity here. Congratulations, Cowherd, you are the first person to ever try to make fun of New Jersey by playing up the mobster stereotype. How very original of you. The closest thing to a positive comment I can make here is that this whole sequence went a long way toward explaining why this guy steals jokes.

He then says Big East football is lodged somewhere in between Boise State and Texas. I’m going to refrain on commenting on this, as my hindsight advantage isn’t fair at all. I’m just going to sport a smug grin over it.

He goes on to chide the Big East mercilessly for a lack of impressive out-of-conference win, saying performance on the road is his true measure of greatness. Naturally, he goes on to illustrate this with an irrelevant non-football (or anything remotely to do with athletics) analogy: “You know, a lot of husbands are loyal at home…how are they when they go on the road?”…I don’t think much more needs to be said. He adds how “everybody looks great at home,” which is completely untrue because a shitty team is shitty no matter whether they’re at home, on the road, or on the moon. He follows all that up by saying, “I’m not picking on the Big East.” Uh…sure.

After some more formalities, he goes on to add, in a stern lecture directed at Big East fans who disagree with him, “I’ve always said: I’m the truth. And the truth is often unpleasant.” Well, that’s settled. At least he doesn’t have an ego on him. Colin Cowherd is “the truth,” and regarding all matters of grave importance we all must defer to Him, the holder of the one and only Truth.

He then gives an incredibly backhanded “compliment” to the RU-Louisville game, saying once again it was “fun to watch…much like the Mountain West Conference years ago. It’s fun to watch people getting 8 yards a pop. It’s fun to see mistakes and picks and fumbles and kickoff returns; it’s fun.

OK, let’s see. The RU-Louisville game had 2 interceptions in 48 combined pass attempts – not a bad number. It had a kickoff return for a touchdown, I’ll give him that. There were only 12 penalties total. The game had 598 total yards on 117 offensive plays. That’s 5.1 yards a pop, not “8.” And neither team lost a fumble. If you don’t believe me, well, I guess you shouldn’t because I’m not the Truth, but I got those numbers from here. I guess Cowherd was still thinking of the West Virginia-Louisville game when he said all those things, though you wouldn’t know it by the way he constantly mentioned RU-Louisville and not the game from the previous week.

He also urged West Virginia to “quit clinging” to the Sugar Bowl win from the year prior, saying bowls are “different” and that “a lot of people beat Georgia.” Georgia’s record in the last 6 years is 61-17, but OK, a lot of people beat them.

He also says how a recruit who might not get an offer from a USC-type program (these, according to the Truth, are the only players Big East schools are capable of getting) would notice watching the Big East how “these teams throw it up and down the field.” The Truth fails to mention that Louisville and South Florida (who, contrary to what The Truth was saying in these same clips, is a very good football team) were the only top Big East teams to throw a lot last year. Rutgers and West Virginia (who runs an offense even mighty SEC teams admire) mainly relied on the run.

He also says how college football is all about attention, and “That’s why the Big 12 and SEC created championship games…[to] extend the conversation.” Well, Truth, the real reason they did that was to make more money, but I guess that’s nitpicking some.

He ends by saying the Big East is “not there yet” and has to win those non-conference road games against elite teams (none of whom really want to play teams like Louisville, WVU, or Rutgers right now, so it would be hard to schedule them). Then, at long last, the final backhanded “compliment” has been paid, and the show breaks for commercial as the clip ends. I don’t think I need to sum it up too much. Obviously, we have some fundamental differences in our opinions, and I wasn’t a big fan of the way he tried again and again to make points with piss-poor analogies and attempts at jokes that invariably fell flat. Then again…I’m not The Truth, so what do I know anyway?