ABC is coming off a season of a few successes and even more bombs. So what does the network that seemingly has all the hits do to improve its actual ratings? They released their new primetime schedule today, and there are no real surprises, save one beautiful site I thought I’d never see… (Information/Image from TV Squad)

Canceled – The Nine, Six Degrees, The Great American Dream Vote, Show Me The Money, Day Break, In Case of Emergency, The Knights of Prosperity, What About Brian, George Lopez, According to Jim

I usually don’t want to put things like that in bold, because I feel like it takes away from your reading of the rest of the list, but screw the rest of the list. According to Jim is canceled! How great is that!! Also, I didn’t bold it, but it’s almost as sweet to see George Lopez go down. Those two awful comedies have been the poster child for shows that ran for too long while the good ones were canceled (how many times have you heard “They cancel ____, yet According to Jim is in its sixth season!”). Also notable, The Knights of Prosperity was a pretty good show that was killed by bad scheduling, and The Nine wasn’t bad, either. But those were both announced a while ago.

ReturningGrey’s Anatomy, Ugly Betty, October Road, Notes from the Underbelly, Men In Trees, Brothers & Sisters, Wife Swap, Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, Desperate Housewives, The Bachelor, Dancing with the Stars, Lost, Supernanny, America’s Funniest Home Videos, Boston Legal, Jimmy Kimmel Live!, 20/20, Primetime

I know what you’re thinking… “No way, Grey’s Anatomy got picked up?! Chalk up a victory for the little guy!” But ratings supergiants aside, ABC made a few questionable pickups here. October Road was a bomb in my mind, though I don’t think I ever looked at its numbers. I did look at the awful reviews, and the oddly placed midseason start it got, so I just naturally assumed. Then again, people who watch ABC seem to watch it religiously, moreso that any other network. Most of the shows you see there are obvious, although I do feel kind of stupid asking “What the hell is Notes from the Underbelly?” (Keep reading for ABC’s New Shows)

New shows (once again, click the titles to see the Zap2it preview pages)

Big Shots – Christopher Titus (You remember, he starred in the comedy where he’d be in a room with a light) is a surprising member of this show about 4 manly executive-types that need each other to survive the conrcete jungle. I guess it’s like NBC’s Lipstick Jungle, but with men. Thurs, 10 pm

Carpoolers – The first comedy that we’ve gotten the chance to mention all week, it revolves around a bunch of guys using their daily commute to vent about their respective wacky lives. Produced by SNL/Kids in The Hall writer producer Bruce McCulloch, so it could be half decent. Tues, 8:30

Cavemen – This is the show you’ve been waiting for, the show that everyone and their mother will be making small talk about come September. It’s a comedy starring the Geico cavemen! The show won’t be about Geico, of course, but it’s being produced by Bill Martin and Mike Schiff (Grounded for Life) so there’s a chance it might not be as offensively bad as some early reviews are saying. Tues, 8 pm

Dirty Sexy Money – Peter Krause (Six Feet Under, Sports Night) heads this drama about a lawyer who inherits a family practice and gets a little more than he bargained for. It’s also starring Billy Baldwin and Donald Sutherland, and it’s done by the same folks who brought you Brothers and Sisters, the most popular show that no one you know watches. Wed, 10 pm

Private Practice – Now for the show that will make Grey’s fans feel like they’re hardcore old school. Addison (Kate Walsh) recently took a 2 hour road trip on a very special episode of Grey’s Anatomy, and she ended up settling nicely in her very own spin-off. Be ready for some GA fans to embrace it, while others don’t even give it a chance because people tend to get weird and protective about stuff like this. Wed, 9 pm

Pushing Daisies – I’m not going to lie, when I just read the premise to myself I actually laughed out loud. Here’s how Zap2it describes it: “A man discovers his touch can bring the dead back to life — but they die again if he touches them a second time.” It’s actually not a terrible idea, as long as the show doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s starring tough-but-sweet Boston Public principal Chi McBride, and is produced by Brian Fuller of Heroes. Wed, 8 pm

Sam I Am – Christina Applegate (Married With Children) wakes up from a coma and has total amnesia in this new comedy. She quickly learns that she used to be a lot meaner before the accident, or something. Sorry if I seem uninterested here, but for this one, I really don’t care. Mon, 9:30 pm

Women’s Murder Club – Are any of you actually going to watch a show called this? Four women, none of whom I know, band together to solve crimes. Like every other crime procedural on TV, except this one has that ABC twist; it’s for women. Fri, 9 pm

Cashmere Mafia – You have to be kidding me! I’m sorry, I’m letting my opinion get in the way here, but listen to this: “Four female best friends since business school band together to conquer New York.” Really? You don’t feel like you’ve seen this somewhere before, ABC? I guess this one is different because it’s starring Lucy Liu. She was on Futurama once. It will replace either The Bachelor or Dancing, they aren’t sure yet.

Eli Stone – A lawyer decides he’s a prophet. They say this will have a comedic tone to it, a modern-day twist on the old lawyer procedural. Starring Johnny Lee Miller (Smith), produced by some guys from Brothers and Sisters. We’ll have to wait till midseason to see how it fares.

Miss/Guided – Ashton Kutcher produces this potentially decent comedy about a guidance counselor, played by the fantastic Judy Greer (Kitty, on Arrested Development), who returns to work for the high school at which she was once very unpopular. With this and Beauty and the Geek, Ashton Kutcher seems to have something about proving that unpopular people can be cool too. Makes me like the guy more. This will also be a midseason addition.

As for LOST, which I’m sure you’re all dying to hear about, it won’t be in the same date/time spot as last season. ABC president Steve McPherson says he feels the show works better in an 8 or 9 pm spot, and I have to agree with him. 10 is too late for a show like that. Lost won’t be back in the beginning of the season, I think it’s slated to run without interruption or hiatus, which would put it at a midseason slot.

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