…Quit acting like you own the place.

We all know peacocks. They strut around with their fancy plumage, trying to woo some sweet peahens with their ornate displays. They’re well known for such displays; they get peacocks all sorts of attention, make them widely renowned for their beauty. Well, after observing them, let me say this: all the acclaim has clearly gotten to the heads of every one of them, and I’m not going to stand for it.

I recently saw some peacocks and was frankly disgusted with their apparent sense of entitlement. They strut around like they don’t owe anyone anything, like we should all be so honored to be in their presence. Apparently, they feel as if they have truly earned that crown-like attachment atop their heads. Of course, in reality they have not; it’s just there. Try telling that to them, though, and see what you get in return. In all likelihood, the bastards will just obnoxiously walk off in the other direction.

When I say they obnoxiously walk, I mean it is so arrogant that you have got to see it to believe it. They have a truly repulsive way of bobbing their faux-crowned heads back and forth as they walk. It’s just such a showy move by these pompous asses that one cannot help but have a little disdain for them upon seeing it. Yes, it is quite a display they make when they parade their feathers, and judging by the way they carry themselves, they’re well aware of just how amazing everyone seems to think they are – and just how amazing they have come to think they are, as well.

Unfortunately, not even the great Ben Franklin was immune to needlessly praising these wretched self-worshippers. As a result of some other things I’m working on this summer, I came across this tidbit from the 1751 edition of Poor Richard’s Almanack: “All sorts of feathers, especially those of the Peacock, afford a surprizing View in the Microscope.” Undoubtedly, this served as no more than encouragement for these vain rascals. Could their disagreeable nature perhaps even be traced back to this ego-stroking comment? It may be difficult to tell, but one thing is for certain: for all the good Franklin did for this nation, this comment – at best – didn’t help anyone.

Really, the phrase “proud as a peacock” is misleading. “Proud” could potentially have positive connotations, and as I have impressively argued, peacocks do not deserve anything that could even be considered positive under any circumstances. “Egomaniacal like a peacock” would really be more apt. What’s good about being an egomaniac? And if even this fails to get the message across to these miscreants, we can turn to more drastic measures, such as forcibly removing the showy tail feathers, so as to render them unable to attract mates and generally think they’re the greatest thing around. If this nearly causes extinction of the species – well, they should have thought of that before they started prancing around like they were all high and mighty. And if I’m charged with animal cruelty – well, that’s just the price I’ll have to pay.