She stole our hearts as the wise-beyond-age “class factotum” Summer Hathaway in The School of Rock, and now she’s poised to steal your children’s Friday night. Miranda Cosgrove is becoming so ubiquitous on the network these days that it feels more like I’m watching Disney Channel than Nick (I swear, if they spend one more Hannah Montana commercial break playing a music video from her latest album, I’m going to kick a hole in the TV).

Traditionally, Disney has held all of its stars under incredibly binding contracts which make them appear in every other show on the network at least once per season, as well as a DCOM (that’s Disney Channel Original Movie, for those of you behind the times), and put out a new album. Nickelodeon, on the other hand, has usually let their shows live on their own, so it doesn’t feel like we’re watching the same improv troupe go through a variety of settings all day long. This, among other things, has always earned it much more respect among the more sophisticated TV viewers. But all that is about to change, thanks to Nick’s new Miranda Cosgrove crossover fest.

For those who don’t know, Cosgrove has starred in the unbearably awful Drake and Josh since the beginning as their prankster little sister, Megan. With Drake coming to a merciful end this year, Nick decided that they had not given the world enough of Cosgrove, so they signed her onto her own series, iCarly (though to me, that whole i- – – – trend seems like it’s heading out of style). On the show, she plays a girl named Carly who has her own webshow. Needless to say, hilarity ensues. The show is Nick’s first foray into the world of user-submitted content, and the show’s fate and quality will ultimately rest in the quality of the submissions and just how much they actually let them become a part of the show.

To promote iCarly, Nick has launched an all-out offensive attack at its audience, making sure that the face of Miranda Cosgrove is so burned into your skull when it premieres in September that you have no choice but to watch her new show. This Friday, August 10, they’re doing a very special Teenick (that’s Nick for teens) where they fill the two hour block so full of Cosgrove that any unfortunate, unsuspecting viewer will become a drooling slave of hers.

At 8, she stars in an all new episode of Zoey 101, where I’m sure she challenges Jamie Lynn Spears to a cuteness competition, and then uses technology to defeat her. At 8:30, she appears in an episode of Just Jordan (that’s still a show?) where, if I’m not mistaken, they learn to hip-hip dance. With technology. At 9, if you can still bear to watch, a repeat of Drake and Josh probably features her using a remote control to drop a bucket full of fish on Josh’s head, prompting him to yell “I’ve been smothered in halibut!” Finally, at 9:30, Miranda steals the show in an all new Unfabulous, where Emma Roberts loses to her in a talent competition due to Miranda’s singing robots. In between all of this, they will be showing sneak peaks of iCarly, even though sneak peaks of a show that is driven by user-submitted content seems impossible.

Come on, Nickelodeon. We expect this kind of crap from Disney Channel. That’s why we have you, to remind us that the world of children’s television isn’t completely devoid of originality. I guess I’ll just watch some recordings of the 500 new Spongebob episodes they’ve been secretly airing for the past 2 weeks (since they clearly don’t have room to fit them into their primetime schedule) and wait this fad out, just like I did for Amanda Bynes.

Oh, and interestingly, Fox has made their Friday night movie (8-10 pm) for August 10 School of Rock. I guess they are hoping to take a piece of that huge Miranda pie, too! Though I find it hilarious that they’re trying to steal Miranda views from Nick, there is no way that it’s going to work. If someone is a Miranda fan, they’re going to watch her new crap. Not her old gem of a movie. Don’t they know how kids think?

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