OK, so the name isn’t the reason. But Bill Plaschke does indeed suck. This is going to be another post with format ripped straight from FJM, but it’s really the only way to tackle this thing. I say “thing” because calling it a “column” would be an insult to columns. Of course, this piece is so bad that calling it a “thing” is an insult to things, but you’ve got to start somewhere. Anyway, let’s get cracking. This little number ran in the L.A. Times last Thursday.

You know college football is more whooah than Nellie when the most important game of the week is on a Thursday night.

So I guess “whooah” in this case functions as a surprised reaction to the large number of upsets so far this season? And “Nellie” functions as…?

And that game is between South Florida and Rutgers.

In other words, when it is a game between the team currently ranked #2 in the country and a team that was once ranked as high as #10. Terrible matchup, it’s hard to argue. And the rat bastards even threw those new-fangled gimmicky forward passes!

You don’t buy generic peanut butter, I don’t buy unknown college football.

Ah, yes, peanut butter and college football. Two inextricably linked products of our culture. For example, they both combine well with jelly for sandwich making. Honestly, he compared peanut butter and college football.

It is a sport not built on parity, it is a sport built on passion.

Because one cannot show passion about anything in which the playing field is somewhat level. Having multiple teams capable of doing well – thereby increasing the average fan’s chance of following a winning team – is a real spirit breaker.

And how can anyone feel passion for a school called South Florida that isn’t actually located in south Florida,

Maybe because they’re an alum? Or they have the gall to find it interesting that a program that started playing in 1997 had risen to the top 5 of the college football polls? Granted, such people are likely far outnumbered by those who say, “Fuck them, I only pay attention to schools whose names are accurate descriptors of their exact geographic location,” but still, it’s something.

a No. 2-ranked team that has played half of its season like a Division II team, with wins against Elon, Florida Atlantic and Central Florida?

First off, I believe he meant to say “Division I-AA Football Championship Subdivision team.” Second, they were not #2 because they had beaten those teams. They were #2 because in the other half of their schedule that he conveniently ignored, they beat North Carolina (very convincingly, 37-10), Auburn (on the road, with Auburn ranked #17 at the time), and West Virginia (WVU was #5 at the time). And for what it’s worth (nothing,

really), Central Florida almost beat Traditional

Power! Texas earlier this season, losing 35-32. USF demolished UCF 64-12.

Nice people, good coach, but the way I feel about South Florida’s current position in the college football world can be summed up in their mascot.

Bull.

Cute pun, but it has already been proven wrong.

And then to have them steal the weekend with a midweek game against a team from an unpronounceable New Jersey city whose biggest wins have come against Buffalo, Navy and Norfolk State?

It’s true that Rutgers did not have a “big” win when Plaschke sent this beauty in (granted, that changed Thursday night). But if he honestly looks at the town name “Piscataway,” which has a very normal English-looking spelling (and is pronounced exactly how it looks), and is completely at a loss, he is even less intelligent than this column makes him appear, and frankly, that’s difficult to believe.

It may be fair, it may even be occasionally fun, but it’s just not right.

OK, this is where he just sounds like a comically rigid idiot. Come on. It’s not right? The only thing that’s not right is that people can’t accept anything that deviates from the supposed status quo. Good teams have to start somewhere. When college football was first played (and when it was, it was by Rutgers in 1869 – that’s how “new” Rutgers is to football), was the entire game “not right?”

This is a USC-Notre Dame show, for Knute’s sake!

Yes, it is. But Notre Dame sucks. Like, really sucks. They are terrible. And USC lost to Stanford. If those two things were not the case, this matchup would be hyped like you wouldn’t believe. We know this because this very matchup has received incredible amounts of hype in the past when those two teams were better than they are at this point.
The bear of a game should have been Alabama-Tennessee!

But it wasn’t, because these two teams are not better than they are.

Shouldn’t we be circling that brawl that is Miami-Florida State?

No, because both of these programs have taken recent downturns from which they have yet to recover. This isn’t 1998.

Those three traditionally great games will be played Saturday, yet none of them will probably figure into the national championship race, so all eyes will be on Piscata-whatever tonight to watch the Who’sthats battle the Somethingoranothers.

Bill Plaschke may have an actual mental disability. I almost feel bad doing this now.

I miss great teams to hate. I miss creaky characters to love. I miss familiar fight songs and enduring stadiums and Bevo.

Then kindly allow the rest of us to enjoy the present and quit bitching that the teams you want to do well aren’t doing as well as you’d hope. This is no one’s fault but their own.

This college football season, I really miss college football.

Then look harder. The games are still being played.

And I’m not alone.

“Parity in college football is great for the coaches and players, but you have to look at the reality of it,” said Bob Davie, former Notre Dame coach and current ESPN broadcaster. “From a television and fan perspective, you need the traditional powers to be strong.”

Partly incorrect, Bob Davie. From a television perspective, yes, they would like the traditional powers with huge fan bases to be strong, so they get better ratings. And personally, that’s what I like to base my fandom off of – what the networks want. From a fan perspective, I would imagine the fans of the traditional powers want their particular traditional power to be strong, whereas fans of non-traditional powers do not root for this quite so much.

College football needs USC and Notre Dame to be good like baseball needs the New York Yankees to be good.

College football needs Alabama and Penn State to be strong like basketball needs the Lakers to be strong.

Although relatively rare, there have been many baseball/basketball seasons when the Yankees/Lakers were not very good teams. The sport survived these years. Basketball is also surviving the current stretch of ineptitude by another of its marquee franchises, the New York Knicks.

Does college football really need third-ranked Boston College to play for a national title after a schedule that includes Army, Massachusetts and Bowling Green?

Possibly, but likely not if they lose to Virginia Tech this Thursday.

Does college football really need Steve Spurrier throwing down his visor for a school known as the Gamecocks?

That’s the University of South Carolina. They are a major program, the type that apparently gives Plaschke raging erections only to be calmed down by the awful sight of the word “Piscataway.” According to his logic, one would think South Carolina should be plenty worthy of Spurrier. However, he is now basing his opinion of what makes a big-time program off their team name, so the prior logic is out the window, I guess.

And can’t college football just ship eighth-ranked Kentucky to Dick Vitale?

Clever. He is saying Kentucky should only be allowed to play basketball. Because that’s where they’re a traditional power, and that’s what they should doggone well stick to. At the time of this “writing,” Kentucky was ranked eighth because they had been a very impressive football team. They even beat previously No. 1 LSU. They have one of the nation’s top quarterbacks, Andre Woodson. They fell in the rankings recently because they lost to Florida, another very good football team. Their accomplishments should not be diminished because their basketball team has an impressive history. That is lunacy. And lunacy is what Plaschke is perfecting in this piece.

“The new kids on the block are nice, but they will always be fighting credibility,” Davie said. “They will always be met with high doses of skepticism.”

Because of ridiculously closed-minded morons like Bill Plaschke.

College football needs Goliaths, it needs George Gipps — it doesn’t need teams that make us feel like we’ve been gypped.

Alliteration. Plays on words. This is awfully good. Actually, it is, but only if you subtract “ly good.”

Boise State’s win over Oklahoma last winter was wonderful, but it couldn’t compare to the shock of Florida’s stomping over Ohio State, and the awe of LSU’s crushing of Notre Dame.

I’m hardly the only one to point this out. But Plaschke…what the fuck?! Boise State-Oklahoma was one of the greatest college football games of all time. Florida-Ohio State and LSU-Notre Dame were relatively uninteresting blowouts. Maybe I’ll just try and make myself feel better by trying to believe this whole article is a parody, because it’s reading like one at this point.

Most experts agree that this year’s parity, from A (Appalachian State) to S (Stanford) comes from the NCAA-mandated decreased practice times combined with much of that practice time spent learning increasingly complicated offenses.

Who’s “most experts,” again?

“It’s not personnel, it’s people just not executing,” Davie said. “USC drops balls against Stanford. Michigan misses tackles against Appalachian State. Some teams spend so much practice time just teaching their players how to line up, there’s no time for other things.”

Oh, right, you said “most experts” but meant “Bob Davie.”

Beano Cook, college’s football’s broadcasting treasure, says not to worry.

“At the end of the day, there will still be no parity in football,” he said. “South Florida is like George Costanza. He gets lucky occasionally, but then he goes back to being George Costanza.”

Cook said that by the end of the season, the powerful teams will be in place, order will be restored, and college football will sigh.

“In the long run, traditional greatness always emerges,” he said. “Even at Notre Dame, which is like the Republican Party. They’re down right now, but they will come back.”

And they will go down again, and they will come back, because college football, like most sports, is cyclical. Most teams have good years and bad years. Some have more good and bad than most, but everyone has ups and downs. And Beano reached a bit by saying there’s “no parity” in the long run, since arguably the main theme of this season is the impressive parity across the nation. Also, would he have made the comments he made about South Florida about Miami 25-30 years ago? My guess is that he would have.

Until then, I will cheer for the rise of the Oklahomas and LSUs of the world, hope that South Florida isn’t injured too badly in its fall to earth, and acknowledge that, yes, on rare occasions, tradition tanks.

Uh oh, sounds like he might be about to contradict his entire article. This could be good.

Ohio State No. 1? After being embarrassed in last year’s title game, then beating the likes of Youngstown State, Akron and Kent State this year?

I’d rather have South Florida play Boston College for the national title than see Ohio State within 1,000 miles of New Orleans.

Yeah, there it is. He contradicted his entire article. I don’t agree with this point, either. It hasn’t always been pretty for OSU (like Saturday against Michigan State), and yes, they have played a lot of relatively easy teams, but the bottom line is they have beaten them all. They have earned the #1 ranking far more than most teams in the nation. The most difficult part of their schedule is the yet-unplayed final third, so we’ll see if they’re for real in the coming weeks.

But even then, only if the game could be broadcast by Keith Jackson, who would then properly summarize this season as one big ugly.

I’d prefer it if he summarized this article with a similar Keith Jackson cliche that would no doubt soothe Plaschke’s hurting, exposed-to-new-things ears: “Whooooooaaaaaaaaaa, Nellie, is Bill Plaschke ever a fucking hack.”

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