I believe in freedom of the press. I’m a liberal guy, and I am all for the Bill of Rights, and voicing your opinion. But there’s a fine line between intelligent discourse and a chimpanzee smearing poop all over an easel.

I am talking about a letter in today’s Targum written by one Benjamin R. West. Benjamin uses his middle initial; this makes him either a rich asshole or a serial killer. It’s titled “This is where we should go” (he really had to think about that one) and it just made me dive toward my computer in a blinding fury. Here’s why:

I think it is important to also question our Division 1A membership. Does our membership in such a league, which requires an ever-increasing amount of financial support, lie within the interests of the students, families and faculty members of Rutgers?

YES! Oh my God, yes. The following is a list of schools ranked higher than us in the US News ratings that have D-1A football programs.

SCHOOLS THAT ARE GREAT INSTITUTIONS OF HIGHER LEARNING:

  • Stanford
  • Duke
  • Northwestern
  • Notre Dame
  • Virginia
  • UCLA
  • Michigan
  • USC
  • North Carolina
  • Wake Forest
  • Georgia Tech
  • Boston College
  • Wisconsin
  • Illinois
  • Washington
  • Penn State
  • Florida
  • Syracuse
  • Miami
  • Maryland
  • Ohio State

The list should have made it clear to you, Benny, that having sports IN NO WAY makes a school a worse place. Rutgers has been run for years by people who can’t get the hang of making a budget. Having a football team has not created this disability.

Does bringing in semi-professional athletes who offer no contributions to the intellectual atmosphere that a university is supposed to offer ring true to the “mission and statement” of a true university? I think not.

Name one person who has ever ended a rhetorical question with an emphatic “I think not!” who ISN’T a rich prick. I bet you can’t.

See what I did just there? When I pictured you with a pipe in your mouth, wearing an ascot, sitting on the yacht that daddy bought you? That was stereotyping and making broad class generalizations. That’s exactly what you just did, you pompous douche.

Brandon Renkart is ranked #4(!!!) in his Civil Engineering major, with a 3.7 cumulative GPA. He is a finalist for the Draddy Trophy, also known as the academic Hiesman. Last year, bonehead moron jock Brian Leonard won the award.

Leonard has participated in the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life walk and Read Across America. A volunteer in the opening ceremonies of the New Jersey Special Olympics, he also traveled to several local hospitals to visit with children and hand out gifts.

What the hell have you done? Oh, that’s right, you write shitty letters to the school newspaper.

By pursuing such goals, Rutgers is driving away New Jersey’s best students by demonstrating that it seeks to attract students who would rather yell “R-U” than increase their intellectual capacity.

Cheering and learning. Mutually exclusive. Wait… didn’t I have some sort of list before?

Another thing — Princeton (that school that you spent a week crying over when they rejected you) has lots of sports. They have a football team, and a basketball team, and they have student fans who go cheer for all of them. As do Yale, and Harvard, and MIT, and Penn, and almost every school in America.

When you go to college, no matter how prestigious, you will have a team to root for. In Benjamin’s perfect sphere of academia, of course, humans study for 20 hours a day, with an hour set aside for kissing William Dowling’s ass.

Speaking of which…

… the inspiration of Professor William Dowling’s “Confessions of a Spoilsport,” which has put many issues into perspective for me…

Now it’s all starting to come together!

Benjamin goes on to whine how his friend (who I’m sure he tells everyone is really hot, until someone calls him out on it and finds her on Facebook) plays Rugby at a small school, and he’s jealous that she gets to participate.

Ben, you went to a large state university. What the hell did you expect, that they’d let you walk on as long snapper? Rutgers offers a huge amount of intramural sports so all 35,000 of us can play if we want to.

It is critical to remember that the very first game of collegiate football was not played between the semi-professional teams of today, but between two teams that consisted of academically engaged students who were real members of their university community.

Eat shit. Those athletes do more for the community than you ever will. And your point about them being mindless lummoxes has been rendered moot by previous arguments.

The very first game of collegiate football was played by non-professionals — YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND. I figured that they were just in it for the money that wouldn’t exist for another 50 years until professional football in America was created.

Right now, if you and your “friends” created Brainball (a game where you use your huge, beautiful brain to judge others and inflate your ego), you would be non-professionals. That’s just how the English language works.

Benjamin R. West is a Rutgers College sophomore.

Pfft… you’re just a kid. I can’t believe I wasted my breath on some little snooty punk. I guess you figure if you start sucking up now, maybe Professor Dowling will invite you to his secret island by the time you’re a senior?

I’m a cynical person, but at least I base my complaints in reality. This Rutgers 1000 propaganda machine is getting out of control. Do I think it’s awful that they cut all those great sports while giving more money to football? Of course. But let’s be reasonable and think up a feasible solution… this plan has about as much likeliness as the one I wrote a while back titled “What if we just grew money trees?” You may remember, I went out and buried some quarters in Voorhees Mall.

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