If you want to read out blogging fun, click the title or the words below.  I promise, if you watched the Oscars, it will be worth your time to read. Is it long? Yeah. But it’s basically written by a child, so there won’t be much wear and tear on your brain once you’re done. 

11:50 – Wow, they rushed that ending.  They left 15 minutes between the two documentary awards, but crammed the most important 3 into a span of five minutes that left my hands cramped and bleeding from trying to keep up on this thing.  But as you can tell from my caps lock down there, I was very happy with what I saw tonight.  Overall, the show was decent.  A lot of good awards and good speeches, but very light on the production and jokes.  And wayyyy too many montages of every single winner of every award in the past 80 years.  Actually, now that I think about it, it sucked.  Those stupid montages really wore at me.

Goodbye, everyone!  I’ll see you again next year, when I take my yearly venture from my dungeon and expose my innermost feelings to the blogging world.

11:47 – Best Picture — No Country For Old Men.


WE DID IT! WE DID IT! God, what a good movie.  Of course, I’m surprised that it beat out There Will be Blood, but I’m glad.  Because it’s, like, the best movie ever.  Eat that, Transformers!

11:44 – Director — Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, No Country for Old Men. Hey, NoCOM fans, let’s hear it!  These guys are just the best, and this movie is so damn good.  If you haven’t seen it, you’re wasting your life away.

11:33 – Best Actor — Daniel Day-Louis. Personally, I’d feel more comfortable giving the award to someone who wasn’t so swarthy; preferably, someone without hoop earrings. This one’s for the guys with hyphenated last names! We did it, baby!

11:26 – Original Screenplay — Diablo Cody, Juno.  Had to see this coming, I know I did.  I mean, come on.  The writing snapped, crackled, and popped! (How’s THAT for writing?) Also, Diablo Cody is an ex-stripper, right?  Well, are we sure she ever stopped?  Because that leopard print she’s wearing just screams “Lap dances are $30.”

Congrats, Diablo! You deserve it!

11:23 – Harrison Ford is drunk.

11:18 – Documentary Feature — Taxi to the Dark Side. I want to see all of these, they look great!  All I’ve seen is Sicko, so I’m not going to act like I’m a pro when it comes to “docs.”  But I’m probably better than you, and that’s all I worry about.

11:14 Documentary Short — Freeheld.   Damn… I was hoping for Still-Life again.When will Davey finally win one!  I guess I’ll watch it when it’s on Cinemax next month, because I’ve never heard of it.  But I have 38 minutes to kill.

11:11 – Original Score — Atonement. When our band went to Disney World, we spent some time in a room basically sight reading the music from Tarzan. So I know what it’s like to record a movie score.  And it sucks.  The conductor thinks he’s cool and funny, and he makes fun of New Jersey.  Then he hops on the drumset because no one is good enough to handle the part.  And all this time, you could have been at Blizzard Beach.

11:07 – Don’t believe the commercials.  Eli Stone sucks, and will not make you feel like you’re in the magical mind of someone who sees the greatest movies all day in his head!  It will make you sad because you spent the last hour watching crap.

11:04 – Every year we lose some good ones, and the Oscars honors them by putting them in the last 30 seconds of a 20 minute montage showing obits for everyone who ever lived in Hollywood and died in the last year. Pete said it best in the comments: Heath Dead-ger.

11:01 – Cinematography — There Will Be Blood.  Cinematography is the word that people say when they want to be like, “I know so much about movies.”  That’s why I’d like to say that the cinematography in this movie was just brilliant.

10:57 – Oh wow, during the break Jon Stewart read my latest live blog update and fixed the mistake! And Marketa Irglova made a pretty cute speech, too.  What a great host… thank God he’s such a big fan of ours.

10:51 – Original Song — Falling Slowly (Once). YAH! Woo hoooo!  This is the category I felt most strongly about, just because I love it so much.  I have the DVD and the soundtrack, if anyone wants to borrow it.  And poor Marketa, walks up to the microphone to thank someone (probably her sick mother) and they just start playing some loud orchestra tune.

10:45 – Foreign Language Film — The Counterfeiters (Austria). Oh, Penelope Cruz… Javier Bardem is just elbowing people around him, saying, “I’m tapping that, friendo.”

10:40 – I found the Mastercard commercial — where the kitchen equipment is having fun on their night off — to be adorable.  I don’t know why I found knives and spices cute, but I actually did.  There has to be some sort of term for someone with a kitchen fetish, right?

10:36 – As the old man was being honored (oldest living human, I think), I was chasing a fly around my room.  I knocked it down and finally ended it with a newspaper.  As I smacked it, I screamed “DIE DIE DIE!” Then I looked up and saw that there was a person on the screen who was listening to me. True story.

10:30 – Film Editing — The Bourne Ultimatum. What makes one film better edited than another?  More cuts? Or maybe less.  I know when No Country came out, everyone said it was the best edited film in the history of movies.  I guess the Bourne Ultimatum has something to say about that! BANG! BOOM! JUMP THROUGH A WINDOW!

10:27 – Are they actually showing clips from all 79 Best Picture winners?  God, I guess 11 days really wasn’t enough to write a whole show.  This is such a waste of my time.  If I wanted to read this list, I would go to Wikipedia.  So would everyone watching this show.  Or maybe show this montage to an audience who already doesn’t know every single item on it.

10:20 – WOO! Falling Slowly! I’ve been playing this song on the piano so much lately, trying to teach it to Anna.  One of the best movies of the year, definitely one of the best musicals I’ve ever seen.  Beautiful song… God, I’m so glad they get to play it.  Caught me off guard!

10:15 – Best Actress — Marion Cotillard. It’s French night at the Oscars.  I didn’t see the movie, I’m not gonna act like I’m an expert on French cinema. But she’s probably the best looking winner of this award in a long time. “There is definitely some anjels in this city!” Nice speech. Does she deserve it?  Let me know in the comments.  I always find that I see all of the movies with the Best Actor nominee and none of the Actress ones. Discuss the implications that this revelation has on our media.

10:05 – Sound Editing — The Bourne Ultimatum; Sound Mixing — Bourne Ultimatum. Jonah Hill and Seth Rogen pulled off the intros, made them pretty funny, good going by them.  I wonder what the difference is between these awards.  I’d have given them both to No Country because the sound in that movie was absolute perfection. But what do I know, I’m not a sound guy.  Don’t let me vote or anything! Assholes.

9:54 – Miley’s introduing something!  If you’ve ever been to this site, you know how we feel about Miley; we don’t really like her at all, but we write posts about her so Google will find them and we can watch 10 year olds write awful things in our comments.

I’m kidding, we think she’s alright. She looks cute enough tonight, at least she isn’t wearing some weird heavy makeup or hair extensions. She looks better than Hilary Swank, thats for sure.

9:51 – Adapted Screenplay — No Country for Old Men.  Alright! Nice to see them with this, those guys are some damn good writers.  Now, onto the more important thing.  When they’re introducing the nominees, they show footage of everyone typing on their keyboards… do you think that’s actually them writing the movie they’re nominated for?  Because how would they know it’s gonna be nominated?  Maybe the old trick in Hollywood is just to film yourself all day, in case the Oscars need it.

9:40 – Supporting Actress — Tilda Swinton. Or as I like to call her, Clay Aiken.  This award should be given out to either the youngest or oldest actress nominated, as a novelty.  I guess this time they gave it to the actress most likely to do prop comedy.

9:34 – Animated Short — Peter and the Wolf. Animated short films rule.  I go to animation film festivals full of these things, and they’re stunning to watch.  Just the coolest animation you could imagine.  But come on, this is the Oscars.  Don’t waste our time.

9:31 – BEEEEEE MOOOOVIEEEEEEEE. Tee hee, what a great montage!  Thank god the writers are back!!

9:30 – Short Film — Le Mozart des Pickpockets. Damn.  I was pulling for Still-Life.

9:24 – Oscar’s Salute to Binoculars and Periscopes was hilarious, as was Bad Dreams. I’m always up for comically edited montages.

9:18 – Supporting Actor — Javier Bardem. The most guaranteed win in Oscar history, basically. No one else was even considered for a second.  Come on… he changed movie history! He made a face like he was surprised.  Don’t lie, Javi.  You knew you had it.

9:12 – Art Direction — Sweeney Todd. It’s cute when they show the sketches come to life as scenes from the movie.  Like, “Whoa! That picture went from lines to real! Is that what art direction is?”  I actually said that. And the woman accepting the award said “Thank you to Timbárton.” I loved it.

9:10 – Visual Effects — The Golden Compass. Yikes, that’s a surprise.  I was already typing up a witty sentence about either of the other two movies, but I guess animating a talking polar bear with a little outfit on is harder than giant fighting robots in LA or two pirate ships battling as they fall into a vortex.

9:05 – How much time are we gonna spend tonight remember Oscars given out in the past 15 years of so?  Because if I wanted to see that, I could just watch the clips on YouTube or something.  It’s probably one of the worst segments the Academy Awards have ever done.  “And Michael Douglass, how did you feel when your wife won an award?  Happy?”  “Why yes, I was happy for my wife.” Come on, ABC. This sucks.

8:58 – Makeup Design — La Vie en Rose. The little clips they show of people getting the makeup put on just make me sick.  They’re so gross.  I could never be a movie star if I had to get stuff plastered onto my face every day just to be Norbit.

8:56 – Animated Feature — Ratatouille. I love animated films, and I was so torn between Ratatouille and Persepolis, two of my favorite movies of the year.  But I do think Rataouille deserved to win.  Brad Bird never ceases to amaze me, the guy is just the best animator out there.  Props to Pixar too, the film was gorgeous.  Persepolis will have its time in the sun when the DVD comes out or the film gets widely released.

Also, Carrell was hilarious in his Michael Scott-like introduction, especially after he lost it when he heard it was being shown in Belgium.

8:52 – I have a feeling George Clooney can’t read.  It’s the 80th Oscars and we’re doing a salute to the history. Didn’t we just have one of these 5 years ago? Except that one didn’t have “My Heart Will Go On” soaring through the background, taking us to the next level of Oscar emotion.  And it didn’t have Ben Affleck.

8:45 – Costume Design — Alexandra Byrne, Elizabeth: The Golden Age.  Have you ever seen the little drawings they show when they give out this award and thought, “I could do this?” Because it doesn’t seem all that hard to me.

8:41 – Stewart’s opening monologue starts off discussing the writers strike, hits a rough chord with the crowd: “Before we spend the next 4-5 hours giving each other golden statues, let’s just take some time to congratulate ourselves.” I liked it. They didn’t seem to.

He’s handling himself like he’s on the Daily Show, which is a good thing.  Chuckling along with the jokes he likes, ad-libbing some filler between the stuff that’s written for him. The room is mic’ed very sensitively, so much so that every line is followed by a flurry of individual laughs. It’s definitely distracting me, and probably Stewart as well.

Wraps it up with a line pulled straight from the Daily Show, “Gaydolph Titler.” All in all, kind of boring.  He’s a funny guy, but I could have used a musical salute of some sort.

8:30 – Kickoff!  We’re treated to an all-CG intro, like something out of one of those Disney World rides where you don’t actually get to move. Transformers, Alien vs. Predator… are they taking time to honor the worst movies of the year too?

8:25 – Hilary Swank has such squinty eyes and big teeth, every time she’s on screen I feel like I’m watching US propaganda cartoons from 1943.

8:15 – I have a question for all you advertising moguls… do they make a big deal about Oscars commercials like they do about Super Bowls?  I’m sure there is a big audience watching, and from an upper income bracket, so stakes should be high to get good spots.  But the biggest ratings probably come near the end, so is there a push for the first commercial, even if it’s after a totally worthless award?

8:06 – I wonder if Regis really saw all these movies?  He works a 20-hour day, when would he have time for his lovely wife Joy and The Savages?

8:00 – Here we go!  It’s time to start up this live blog thing.  Regis is rocking the red carpet for ABC, giving us awful interviews with all the stars we saw on E! an hour ago.  Hopefully he won’t be as whiny and awkward as Ryan Seacrest, who broke records this year for complaints/hour.