We’ve tackled the topic of Miranda Cosgrove on this blog before, but until now I had never seen an episode of iCarly.  I’ve come to regret this very much, because after watching it today, I realize that it is basically pornography.

Since I’m not sure of names here, I’ll describe the characters as best I can to put you into the vulgar scene I just witnessed.  Blonde girl got a new boyfriend, and they were paying far too much attention to one another.  As she approached iCarly and the gay boy, she recieved a text message from her boyfriend. It read: The back of your head is cute.

Young teenagers falling in love has its unavoidable physicality, but should the network responsible for Jamie Lynn Spears really discuss oral sex on a sitcom featuring 12 year olds?

I thought that the storm had cleared after I finished writing my angry letter to Viacom, but I was in for a surprise.  It seems that iCarly’s older brother Dane Cook, with whom she lives, was called upon to speak with the children about the pitfalls of young love.  He explained to them that when he dated Jenny, he didn’t know that he had poison ivy for two weeks!  The children were confused; “How did you find out?” they asked him.

“Well, let’s just say, it spread to certain… parts.” Upon further confusion, Cook leaned in to whisper something into the gay boy’s ear to clarify his already vulgar statement.  The boy’s face filled with horror.

It should be assumed that he whispered, “Her vagina.”

I swear to you, this all happened on one episode of a show meant for children. And not on the gross-fest of Ren and Stimpy, nor on the satanism-preaching Wizards of Waverly Place. No, this happened on a show we thought was safe.  Executive Producer Dan Schneider’s message is clear — you can never protect your children, no matter how hard you try.  So just give up.