God I hate her face. I’m sure none of you know who the hell she is. I had no idea of her worthless existence until my MSN homepage had a link for an article entitled ‘Is Miley Cyrus the Next Britney Spears?‘ I just got finished reading this trash and I couldn’t sit by idly. This is my first crack at pulling a FireJoeMorgan like post, a feat that a few of my fellow writers have flourished at. I left some parts of her article out that didn’t seem necessary but you’ll read what’s needed. Anyway this jerk jumps to more conclusions and makes more ridiculous assumptions about a teenage girl than a grown woman should be making. And as a big Miley/Hannah fan, I didn’t appreciate it.

Barbara Walters, what were you thinking?

Have you actually seen “Hannah Montana”? I didn’t think so. There is otherwise no explanation for including its title character in your annual Oscars special, which gets distinctly less “special” when you feature an actress whose crowning achievement is putting on a blond wig and playing a slightly disguised version of herself on the Disney Channel.

There is a lot wrong with this. First of all, Barbara Walters was thinking that a lot of kids adore Hannah Montana and by putting her on the show it would bring a lot of children viewers to the program who normally would have no desire to watch her interview aging celebrities like Harrison Ford. Secondly, don’t assume that we haven’t seen Hannah Montana. It is one of the most popular shows on television, I’m sure that most of the people who would spend the time to read your article actually have seen an episode of the show. You cantankerous witch. And please don’t diminish Miley’s accomplishments as her playing a slightly disguised version of herself on the Disney Channel. Have you ever actually seen “Hannah Montana?” Her acting is one of the main reasons I watch the show. She has great comedic timing and delivery. Her achievements go far beyond what you state them to be Ms. Brockenbrough.

Yes, I get that this show is wildly popular with tweens. I also get that her 3-D movie made $29 million in its opening weekend. That doesn’t mean it’s good.

Who the hell are you? What wasn’t good about it. I am a 20 year old male and I had a lot of fun watching the movie. And the fact that my little sister who is 9 years old had the most fun I’ve ever seen her have watching that movie would give me the impression that it was good. Pretty damn good.

Miley Cyrus herself is perfectly adequate. She’s cute and personable, and she has a pretty good singing voice…But fascinating? Only insofar as she is the next most likely teen star to go Britney Spears on us.

Seriously? How can you make such a ridiculous assumption? How about giving her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she won’t end up like that. At this point in her life she seems like a perfectly fine role model for young girls. Why wouldn’t she be? She’s actually pretty good friends with my sweetheart Ashley Tisdale who is also another great role model for young girls. So I don’t know where you get the audacity to assume that Miley will end up like Britney.

The 15-year-old has even ripped a page from Britney’s handbook, publicly proclaiming her virginity while dressing for a hooker convention. At Sunday’s Grammy Awards, she wore so much makeup that even the uber-trashy gossip site of Perez Hilton said she looked like a porn star. You don’t have to be a church lady to find this a little yucky.

What’s wrong with publicly proclaiming virginity? Isn’t that a good thing. Her ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas also had the same pledge so I’m pretty sure that she is keeping that promise. Wait…now I get it. I’m sorry, I didn’t know that Perez Hilton said she looked like a porn star! Why didn’t you say so! He is by far the most reliable news source I’ve ever known. Keep using quotes from Perez Hilton if you want people to respect you, that’s what I do. By the way, I think you’re yucky.

Miley reportedly went to a “purity ball” with her dad. Girls who attend these events pledge their virginity to their fathers, which seems deeply creepy, but maybe that’s just because I read “Oedipus Rex” when I was in high school.

I hate you. You didn’t even make an argument against this. You just called it creepy because you read a story in high school that holds no relevance to today. Why are you the way you are? Give her credit for going to such lengths to make her promise more credible instead of tearing her down for trying to be a better person.

The virginity shtick, which is overrated, is also pretty insincere. Either that or it’s as confused as a hot dog with frosting. There is one point to dressing sexy: to attract sex partners. Anyone who says otherwise is in a losing argument with Mother Nature.

Once again, don’t assume that she isn’t going to stick to her pledge of abstinence. Also, have you ever tried a Nathan’s footlong with some double fudge frosting? Delicious. Keep calling Miley a whore too, that’s a great thing for an adult to do. The only point to dressing sexy is to attract sex partners. Have you ever heard of going and looking good? Almost every actress I saw at the Academy Awards was dressed sexy, I don’t think they were really trying to attract sex partners. Next time you go out to dinner I better see you in sweatpants and a T-Shirt or I know you’re trying to have sex. That’s what Mother Nature tells me.

So, when we know the glitzy teens our children idolize are likely to end up in jail, in rehab or in the grave, why on earth do we go to such lengths to make sure they get to watch their “Hannah Montana”?

I can’t say this enough, why do you hate her so much? Why do you assume that she is going to jail or die. Is no child from here on out allowed to be successful with the fear of this criticism from people like you. Do you want to know why we want our kids or our little sisters to see Hannah Montana? Because we love them and they love the show, so we would like them to be happy. There is no reason not to let them watch it. If Hannah Montana is show that you wouldn’t let your kids watch then there really isn’t much that you would let them watch.

Parents: Here’s a news flash. Your kids should not skip school to see the “Hannah Montana” movie, unless it is one of your goals to teach your kids that they can blow off an important obligation to indulge a petty whim. It might be OK to skip school to see a truly world-class artist perform, or to see a movie that somehow relates to something going on in the classroom, bringing learning to life. Miley Cyrus is neither. She might be someday, but today she is a chicken nugget of a performer. If you ever want your kids to develop taste, you won’t let them gorge themselves on nuggets — even if all the other kids are doing it and your kids swear they’ll never eat again if you don’t give them what they want.

Some parents let their kids skip school to see Hannah, that’s a fact, but it wasn’t every parent in America. Don’t use a small sampling of people and associate it with the rest of the country. And I don’t think either of your examples are something that school should be skipped for either. Crazy metaphor! I do love myself some chicken nuggets but I’d hardly apply that term to Miley. Not only is she a great singer and performer but she’s also a good actor, both in serious parts and comic ones, and she has also written numerous songs and plays guitar. She’s basically got all the areas of entertainment covered. And yes, I understand that her music is pop but that’s what kids listen to. I don’t know maybe 8 year olds listening to Josh Groban or Kanye West. And with the latter, they shouldn’t be able to anyway. So what do you want them to do?

Really, these young stars are sitting on huge piles of money that would be better invested in college savings funds, and squandering irreplaceable time that could be better spent on something smart or, at the very least, on quality entertainment.

Tell me Martha, when you were a child, if someone offered you a ton of money to put out some CDs and have your own hit television program would you kindly decline? I think if that situation was put on your plate it would be you sitting on a huge pile of money, so please, don’t use that argument. And please don’t judge the quality of what she does, someone like you shouldn’t be telling us what we should enjoy.

It’s a safe bet that as long as masses of young kids tune in to mediocre shows like “Hannah Montana,” media companies will continue to make them. So it’s up to us parents to turn off the TV and give our kids something better.

What’s better? Yea, making your kids watch the Discovery Channel or The Learning Channel probably would benefit them more but let’s be realistic. We want to be entertained, and the Hannah Montana show is perfectly fine for children. It’s on the Disney Channel. This is a show for kids. The content is completely appropriate for children, what else should they be watching?

There might even be a side benefit for all those would-be teen idols: time away from the spotlight until they have the maturity to handle its pressures. Because the only thing sadder than seeing a teenager all sexed up is seeing that same girl 10 years later, all washed up — sitting in front of Walters weeping about how it all went wrong.

Ten years from now you will be getting an email from me asking you to apologize for this article.

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