from sonsofsamhorn.net, believe it or not

Junior, a blogger at one of my favorite sites, Fire Joe Morgan, recently deconstructed a piece by Newsday’s Wallace Matthews. In it, Matthews criticizes the Mets for picking an optimistic team slogan for the 2007 season (“Your Season Has Come”), because apparently this made the Mets look bad when they collapsed at the end of the year. Personally, I know my Mets fan friends (I’m not a Mets fan myself, for the record) were irritating the hell out of me just repeating that slogan everywhere they went, living their lives by it, and generally treating it as the most important aspect of their beloved team, so I couldn’t wait to rub their faces in it when the slogan backfired, which crushed them far more than the Mets missing the playoffs. But I sarcastically digress.

Overall, this was actually a relatively short post by Junior, and I figured out why – his response to one part of the article, where Matthews imagines his own slogans for the ’08 Mets, simply reads:

“SKIP.

SKIP.

After actually clicking on the link to Matthews’ article, I discovered the section Junior skipped over was actually pretty substantial – probably about half of the article. With this in mind, I decided to look at the skipped section, and after minutes of careful consideration, am going to attempt to go FJM-style on the skipped-over portion. Wish me luck.

For those who can’t help but remember last year’s boast: “This Time We Mean It.”

“Those who can’t help but remember last year’s boast” only applies to you. You are literally the only person in the world who remembers this ambiguous “boast” (seriously, is “Your Season Has Come” even that boastful?) from last year, and possibly the only person to ever know (or at least care) about it. Even the people in the marketing department (who are actually not the same people who choked away the division on the field) who came up with the slogan might not remember it anymore – and at most, probably don’t care about it very much.

For those troubled by the Mets’ relative inactivity during the offseason: “One Year Older. One Year Wiser. One Win Better?”

What? Relative inactivity? Is that sarcastic? I don’t know if you remember, but the Mets acquired Johan Santana this offseason, who is at worst one of the top three pitchers in baseball. This is a very “active” thing to do.

For those who believe all has been cured by the acquisition of Johan Santana: “We’re Gonna Change Our Evil Ways.”

Ah, so you do remember. And yet you still called out the Mets for “relative inactivity.” Maybe it’s because you actually think Johan Santana is the guitarist you alluded to here, and not a top-flight pitcher.

For those who subscribe to the “baseball is a crapshoot” school of thought (and occasionally buy a lottery ticket): “Hey, Ya Never Know!”

Well…it sort of, you know, is a crapshoot, since guys get injured all the time, and sometimes have off years, and slumps at the wrong time, etc. I also just realized this is probably a nod to the New York state lottery slogan, “Hey, you never know.” I guess the shortening of “you” to “ya” makes this one original.

For those who are old enough to remember both the ’86 Mets and Agent 86, Maxwell Smart: “Missed It By That Much … “

I suppose that beats, “All that these two completely unconnected things have in common is the number 86, which has a flimsy-at-best connection to this article to begin with.”

For those who want to stick it right back in the face of Jimmy Rollins: “The Team to Beat in the NL East, Again and Again and Again … “

Well, Jimmy Rollins turned out to be right last year, and honestly, I would say the Mets are the team to beat after almost winning the division last year and, according to this article, passively acquiring Santana.

For those who don’t take any of this too seriously and wish to put it in its proper perspective: “Hey, It’s Only a Game.”

This is true, but a fan would not be likely to say it.

For those who want to pay dual homage to the final season at Shea Stadium and the final days of the Willets Point Iron Triangle: “Welcome to the Junkyard.”

This would actually be a decent slogan if it weren’t a literal reference to the Shea Stadium area.

For those who wish to send a greeting to the never-ending stream of passengers leaving from and arriving at LaGuardia Airport: “Welcome to Flyover Country.”

Absolutely. Although, as I said before, I’m not a Mets fan, I have been to Shea Stadium, and whenever I’ve been there, I have just been completely unable to get LaGuardia Airport off my mind. I can’t even concentrate on the game taking place because I just think about how close I am to stupid LaGuardia Airport and how I wish to personally greet everyone flying over the stadium. (In case you couldn’t tell, I think this was a very odd connection for the writer to make.)

For those already looking ahead to 2009: “The Grass Will Be Greener at Citi Field.”

Hmm, it looks like the Mets will be pretty good this year, so not sure why anyone would already be looking forward to ’09, except for the new stadium – which maybe was his point here, that people are just looking forward to the new stadium. I can’t tell.

For those who remember when the Mets truly were a young, up-and-coming ballclub with a slogan to match: “Bring Your Old Man to See Our Old Men.”

Clever. And as Junior pointed out, the Mets really aren’t that old overall.

For those who are dragging their feet on paying this year’s 20 percent price increase: “Your Season Is Gone.”

I don’t know if there is a single interesting thing to say about this one – or any of them, for that matter, but especially this one. Moving on.

For those who insist on hearing truth from their favorite team, no matter how brutal or insulting it may be: “Our Team. Our Time. Your Money.”

Yeah, screw the Mets, the only team in professional sports that does not allow its fans to play for the team, and certainly the only entity in any entertainment industry that actually charges people money to attend their performances. The nerve. Or maybe this is just another crack at the previously-alluded-to price increase, but those happen everywhere, too.

For those who take comfort in small favors and persist in viewing the Mets as the little brother in town: “At Least We’re Not the Yankees.”

Does this have anything to do with “small favors?”And the Mets are probably “viewed as the little brother in town” because the Yankees’ franchise is 60 years older.

And for those who wish to remain eternally optimistic while channeling the spirit of the Brooklyn Dodgers, there’s always “Wait Till Next Year,” a truly evergreen slogan if ever there was one.

Maybe when used at the end of the year, but if you’re already saying “Wait ’til Next Year” before this year begins…that actually strikes me as pretty pessimistic.

He tacks on one more at the end:

So for those of you who just can’t forget 2007 and can’t bear to suffer through a similar 2008, we offer one last slogan suggestion: “Wake Me Up When September Ends.”

More like “Wake Me Up when This Column Ends!” BURN!

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