The other day, as I was going through my daily routine of reading Boy Scouts-related blogs, I came across a shocking find in The Scoutmaster Minute:POODLING HAS TAKEN OVER!But more shocking than this revelation of a plague upon our nation’s finest paramilitary homophobic organization for young lads was the horrid form with which the story was broken to the public. The author behind this landmark article clearly did not take the matter seriously enough in the slightest, as evidenced by his atrocious grammar and light-hearted, sarcastic approach. So for those of you who have read this article and not fully comprehended the severity of its content, and those of you hearing this for the first time, here is the article, in full, broken down so the American people can actually get a hold on what this cryptic post is trying to say.

An interesting observation of our Scouts these days, first let me say that they are all great kids, but they have a tendency to stray. Now I can’t recall exactly how I acted as a 13-14 year old, but I know for a fact that it was probably not like these guys today.You see, our guys do what the ASMs and I call “Poodling”. It is hard to describe, it is a random unfocused, babbling followed usually by some sort of dance or incoherent wandering. At times it is funny to observe, but for the most part it annoys even the most patient adult.

Clearly, right off the bat, the poodling has affected the author’s brain so as to make him incapable of finishing his first sentence, moving on immediately to a second with only a comma to pause upon. In fact, it appears that the author’s memory has been erased in some regard. He can’t seem to remember his finest teenage years. Were these years perhaps infected by poodling? He seems pretty practiced at the “random unfocused, babbling” (note comma placement) he mentions. Perhaps this is a leftover symptom of his years as a teenage poodler?

“Poodling” was taken to another level this year as some of the Scouts got older.

Holy crap, another level?!

Yes another level.

WOOOOWWWWWEEE!!!!! This guy can’t be serious! ANOTHER FREAKIN’ LEVEL! I don’t even know what poodling is yet, but at least the author had the consideration to warn me in advance of the extreme degree to which it has been taken! FUCK!

The older Scouts dropped the random dance/wander from the action, now they do what we refer to as “Verbal Poodling”. Completely random nonsense that they seem to understand.

Do they understand sentence fragments, too? Shit, another level indeed. At least the wandering is under control.

They can do this for hours on end, with no purpose or result. At first I thought, my goodness, we have an entire Troop with ADHD.

As someone personally affected by ADHD, I can tell you that I have never poodled, at least to my knowledge.

But then I observed it in other Troops as well. And a visit to a local Cub Scout Pack taught me that “Poodling” starts at a young age, and in a few weeks 8 more “Poodlers” will be introduced to our Troops ranks.

Will some goddamn apostrophes be introduced as well?

While “Poodling” is harmless and funny at times, it is something that must be kept in check. A simple 15 minute Patrol meeting can last an hour due to “Poodling”. A sharp look out for “Poodling” activity is now a part of the Scoutmasters job description. Be ever vigilant in quailing the “Verbal Poodle” or you will loose track of an event or meeting.

Of course, quailing! Cowering in fear of the “Verbal Poodle” (Dictionary.com) is the perfect solution! Or perhaps you meant hunting for quails. That would serve in the manly traditions of Scouting, but I don’t know how far it will go to fight the horrors of the all-powerful poodling. There is this word “quelling” that our esteemed author might have meant but… nah. Interesting metaphor, too, likening the course of an event or meeting to being on a track, and the track slowly but surely loosening. A terrible image, indeed!

“Poodling” may be harmless, but it can be destructive at times.

Well, which is it?! Destructive or harmless? I need to know, so that I may battle the behemoth that is the world Poodling issue!

I suppose that it does not fall into any categories on the don’t list in the guide to safe Scouting, but it can drive an ASM up the wall.

Don’t list what? I NEED TO KNOW THESE THINGS!!!

Be on the look out for “Poodling” activity in your unit. I am sure it is there, it may come with a different name, but its “Poodling” just the same.

Whose poodling? “Its,” clearly in possessive and not contraction form, must refer to someone…or something?!?!?! Who is the Poodling mastermind? Who is the maniac planting Poodling in our scout troops across the nation, under so many different names? The people of America must know! WHAT THE HELL DID THIS ARTICLE TELL ME?!?!?!?!?!?!

Happy Scouting!