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Jack Black is back… and nobody seems to care.

I know the Kids’ Choice Awards are only about 10 minutes in, but this event is just bizarre. This is nothing against Jack Black’s performance as host.  He’s overacting and hamming it up, being wacky-funny for all the kids.  But kids today don’t care about that stuff; they don’t even care about slime.

The celebrities present at the event are having a hard time pretending to enjoy themselves even when the camera is on them.  During Black’s opening dance number, they cut to celebrity reactions and not a single one of them was smiling.  They looked bored and out of place, even though the show had just begun. The only man who was having fun was Will Smith — probably because he has won the award for favorite actor for the past 21 years.

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I enjoy the Kids’ Choice Awards, because they are a relic of old Nick.  Celebrities getting slimed, kids having fun and cheering for their favorite stars, awards being given to people who don’t deserve them.  But the enjoyment level just isn’t what it used to be.  The kids, the celebrities, no one seems to be having fun there.  And that translates to even less fun at home.  And little kids screaming and reaching for a spandex-clad Jack Black just doesn’t just feel staged… it feels gross

Here is a list of celebrities that kids don’t care about who are appearing on the show:

  • Emile Hirsch
  • Janet Jackson
  • Harrison Ford
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Amy Poehler
  • Howie Mandel
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Brendan Fraser
  • Jason Lee
  • Laila Ali

I’m going to continue watching, and I’ll add comments every time something bugs me.

  • Ashlee Simpson?  Is that you?  I have to find a photo of her somewhere and post it here, I can’t believe how different she looks.  And is she dating Pete Wentz?  I saw his weiner once.

  • Did you hear when Miley Cyrus won her award for best female singer? “I’d like to thank my personal lord and savior Jesus Christ.” Get over yourself, you aren’t a professional wide receiver. I wonder if she would pull that Jesus crap if this event were being hosted by Disney.
  • All the press is about Miley Cyrus performing tonight… I wonder how Nickelodeon feels about this.  Their ratings will be mostly due to hosting a star from their rival network.
  • HA! Miley is wearing a completely wacky full body spandex suit while she’s singing… and then she has a leather jacket and a red ascot, like she’s trying to look like a character in Grease… let’s say, Frenchy.  And I’m not one to usually bash her, but she sucked.  That was one of the worst performances I’ve ever seen at an awards show. She got out-musicked by the Naked Brothers Band.

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People who look ridiculous in their outfits:

  • Drake Bell and his Johnny Depp-like glasses/beard/soul patch combo
  • Josh Peck pretending to be in Fall Out Boy with his suspenders and dress shirt (and eyeshadow)

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Horrifying mistakes children made in voting:

  • Drake & Josh for Best TV Show
  • Alvin & The Chipmunks for Best Movie

And just like that, it’s over.  The show is only an hour and a half long, less than half as long as the big awards shows, which I guess is good for a normal kid’s attention span.  And the finale with Jack Black and Orlando Bloom getting hit with mad slime was fun.

If you missed the show, don’t be upset.  It wasn’t anything special.  Actually, be happy that you missed it, because then you weren’t an adult who sat home on a Saturday night watching Nickelodeon by himself.  And I was.