Tony Gutierrez/Associated Press

EDIT: None of this matters anyway, because David Cook won. Still, we can treat this as a hypothetical.

David Archuleta is under two hours away from taking the American Idol crown, and it’s true — he’s a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. But can Americans handle their Idol being an Osmond?

We remember what happened last time a Mormon tried singing black music to an awkwardly receptive crowd (Edit — new video, shorter and includes the “bling bling” line Jake alluded to):

Can we be sure that he won’t take Paula back to the Yearning for Zion Ranch in West Texas? Yes. But we must be wary of the forthcoming album that likely champ will be putting out… I know I’ll be listening to it backwards, searching for hidden messages. I think they’ll sound something like this:

“Hello friend, can I interest you in the church of Jesus Christ of… oh, no? OK, sorry to bother you. Have a wonderful day.”

I have chills down my spine just thinking about it…