I made a mistake today. Cromwell was telling me how he uses his Blackberry to check his Compare People rankings on Facebook, and I thought, “Oh boy! I wonder what my rankings are!” This inquisitve nature, that has led me down so many new and exciting educational paths, can also sometimes lead to trouble.

Compare People is a Facebook app where two of your friends are pitted against each other in a specific challenge, and you choose who should win. “I have lots of friends,” I thought. “My rankings are gonna be awesome!”

I tried answering questions, but I found most of them nearly impossible to judge. “Who studies harder? Some kid you might recognize from high school, or a girl who lived on your floor freshman year?” So I skipped ahead and asked the app to reveal just what these “friends” thought of me.

My facebook profile picture.
My Facebook profile picture

The top of your list is your highest rankings. I had 100% positive votes in the stuff you would probably expect:

  • More tech-savvy
  • better at science
  • smarter
  • a better sense of humor

As well as a few categories that actually made me happy to see:

  • likely to win a fight (my highest ranking, with 3/3 positive)
  • more cuddly
  • braver (seriously?)

My ego was flying high. I’m so cuddly and funny and smart and brave, I thought. I’m gonna go kill some spiders with math and computers, then snuggle up with a sexy lady and make her laugh.

Then I remembered that there were more rankings below. Negative rankings. I was feeling so wonderful by this point, though, that I wasn’t afraid of seeing some constructive criticism. I’ll take their advice, I thought, and use it to improve myself.

Here are some things I scored zero on:

  • rather sleep with
  • smells nicer
  • better hair
  • more naturally talented
  • more well-mannered
  • more likely to succeed

Youch. That stings. Seriously? ZERO PEOPLE thought I smelled nicer than my competition?

I don’t stink, and I think my manners are just fine. Whoever voted me down on this must have been present that one time I busted into a room screaming, hair twisted every which way, smelling of cat shit and whiskey, and started pounding my fists on a piano screaming “THIS WILL BE MY CAREER! SLEEP WITH ME!”

So, that’s the last time I check my rankings on Compare People. And if the makers of that app have anything to say about it, come say it to my face, tough guys. Because I’m more likely to win a fight.