If you missed my cool “recently updated” format I had here tonight, shame on you. I worked really hard on that. But you can still read everything I thought about tonight’s Emmy telecast, in nice chronological order. Mind you, it’s quite a bit or writing. But it’s generally entertaining, especially if you watched the show.

8:03 – Crap! I’m late! Uh, so what’s Oprah doing on the screen? And how was the opening song and dance? God, I’m horrible at this. Oh well, on with the show! Bring on the fake ass hosts.

8:06 – So is this a bit? The hosts keep repeating “We have nothing.” What’s so funny about this? Why wouldn’t they write jokes? GOD, Heidi Klum is 1,000 feet tall compared to that Keebler Elf Ryan Seacrest. Heidi looks so weird with that ponytail, but man, she’s still gorgeous.

8:08 – Tom Bergeron invites William Shatner onto the stage. And now, they’re raping Heidi Klum. EMMYS!

8:12 – The cast of Baby’s Mama takes the stage to present the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy. They reel off a whole crapload of unfunny ethnic jokes, where Amy Poehler pretends to be stupid. Well at least their humor is evolving, amirite? And then, to no one’s surprise, Jeremy Piven wins the award for being the only interesting part of Entourage. Ho-hum.

8:18 – They’re showing clips of old Seinfeld episodes. This is what I’m getting paid to review? Watching Tom Bergeron watch Seinfeld? F this.

8:20 – Julia Louis-Dreyfus on screen now, presenting Supporting Comedy Actress. Interesting, this is the first year SNL is allowed to win an award. And the Emmy goes to Jean Smart, who I’ll assume plays the Grandma on Samantha Who. I think Amy Poehler should have won just for the presentation she did before! She don’t know nothin’ ’bout no foreign languages!

8:26 – We’re only a few minutes in, but I have a good feeling that they’ll never do this multi-host experiment again. It’s failing pretttty hard.

8:27 – The cast of Desperate Housewives are standing together on stage, complimenting each other. I hate the Emmys. None of you women are entertaining, just give these awards to people who don’t deserve them and let me go to bed.

8:29 – Zeljko Ivanic (however you spell it) wins the Emmy for Best Supporting Actor in a Drama (or something like that) for Damages on FX (I think). I’M FIRED UP OVER THIS ONE!

8:32 – Ricky Gervais humorously presents a video of people accepting awards. So we have to spend the non-acceptance speech show time watching videos of speeches? No thanks.

8:35 – So Gervais had a hilarious back-and-forth with Steve Carell about returning the Emmy he took last year from Gervais when he couldn’t make it to the awards. That will most likely be the only funny part of the night, but it was hilarious. “I bet that wasn’t the real Emmy, it was probably a shoddy remake,” and “I’ll tickle you, I have nothing to lose. I’m nobody here,” and then the actual tickling. Oh, and of course, “I bet you haven’t even seen Ghost Town yet. I sat through Evan Almighty.” Oh yeah, and the guy directing tonight’s Emmys won the award for Directing in a Comedy, Musical or Variety.

8:41 – Ahhhh YES A SIMPSONS CLIP! To introduce Conan! It’s like I’m in Emmys heaven or something. Just seeing them show an old Simpsons clip makes me smile. I really couldn’t care less about who wins Supporting Actress in a Drama Series. And Dianne Wiest wins. Simpsons!

8:46 – The nominations for Writing in a Comedy Variety or Musical Program are always so funny. And finally, finalllllyyyy, the crew from The Colbert Report wins it. It’s about damn time. Oh man, how they deserve it. Emmys: 50 fails, 1 win.

8:50 – Steve Martin comes out and does a little stand-up, warms the crowd up for the Emmys, coming on soon I hope. Oh wait — they’re on already? Oh, I figured this was a dress rehearsal, since, you know, it’s so horribly unprofessional. Anyway, Steve Martin is giving some big time praise to Tommy Smothers. You old people out there can tell me if it’s deserved or not, but I figure it is.

8:56 – Wow, Tommy Smothers just one-upped Ricky Gervais for the best speech of the night. That was intense — urging us not to accept lies and ignorance in our government. He should win another Emmy for that speech. I wish I had written it down, but I was too focused on the TV.

9:03 – Josh Groban singing popular TV theme songs very quickly makes me laugh consistently. Note to comedy writers: Please have everyone on your shows sing fast songs. I’ll laugh. When I first heard that Groban was going to sing, I decided I was gonna go get some cereal to snack on. But three minutes later, I’m still sitting here. Kudos, Emmys. This is actually really entertaining. Side note: I was singing the M*A*S*H song in the shower the other day, minus the words.

9:06 – I have a hard time looking at Alec Baldwin since I read the profile of him in the New Yorker that painted him as a seriously depressed loner. Laura Linny wins an Emmy for Actress in a Miniseries for her work in John Adams. I heard it was boring. Alec Baldwin hands her the award, then walks outside to smoke, call his daughter, and convince himself that he’s a failure.

9:13 – And now, a tribute to “Sock it to me!” So… hmm… I guess these are Laugh In characters? I don’t really know what to say, other than THIS IS A HUGE WASTE OF MY TIME. Thank god I don’t live in a world where this is on television all the time, because I hate myself for having seen it.

9:17 – The Daily Show wins the Emmy for Best Comedy, Musical or Variety Program! HELL YEAH IT DOES!

9:20 – Directing in a Comedy Series finally presents a chance for Flight of the Conchords to win an Emmy. But, it doesn’t. Pushing Daisies wins. Yeah, I guess that’s OK. It was a great pilot, for sure. But I just wish FOTC got something.

9:23 – Writing for a Comedy Series, my favorite award of the night! 30 Rock is nominated 60 times for this award, so they’re almost guaranteed an award. And… Tina Fey! Who didn’t see that coming. But she deserves it, along with the rest of the crew on that show. It’s so wonderfully written. Good job. I guess I just really wanted Flight of the Conchords. I’m not sad, I feel alright. But.. eh… I guess I am kind of sad.

9:34 – ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…. Oh, what? Is Martin Sheen done lecturing me? OK, I’m up now. Who is this dude now, the King of Emmyland? He’s… pretty…. borin…..zzzzzzzzzzz.

9:35 – Christian Slater is trying to get laid, and I feel so creepy watching it. Yech.

9:36 – No way, no way in hell does Recount deserve to win Made for TV Movie over the Extras Special. Recount was crap, Extras was amazing. It made me cry. What a ploy by the Hollywood Liberal Elite to push their anti-Bush agenda on us simple Americans. We get it, he stole the election. But you stole this Emmy. Which is worse?

9:42 – I figure they just picked TV shows out of a hat when choosing what to honor. Dragnet = pretty random. What I learned watching the Emmys: Laurence Fishburn can barely read, and rubs his hands together a lot like an evil scientist.

9:44 – Colbert and Stewart on stage. Say they won’t talk politics, and then some funny prune metaphors. These guys are so much funnier than the hosts. Kind of makes me hate the Emmys for putting my through this 5-host garbage. Oh, awards. Miniseries Direction – Recount. Miniseries Writing – John Adams.

9:49 – Ha! The jerk who wrote John Adams tried to spit some BS about returning to a time where political leaders could articulate complex thoughts intelligently. Thank god ABC (who I like to call “Though Police”) cut away, because there may be children watching this show. And what am I supposed to tell my 5-year-old when she says, “Daddy, where do Constitutional Amendments come from?”

9:54 – A fair comparison: M*A*S*H and Grey’s Anatomy. Basically equals, right? Oh god, I missed the last award! Was it something important? Ah well, I’m sure it will be on the Internet somewhere.

9:56 – Hearing Kathy Griffin grunt “GET UPPP” and force the audience to stand up and applaud Don Rickles was almost as agitating as he is funny. If you’re directing the Emmys, don’t signal him to hurry it up. Letting Don Rickles riff is the funniest thing you’ll have all night.

10:00 – The Amazing Race wins another Emmy for Best Reality Show, while Don Rickles mocks them by standing among the producers and shouting at the guy giving the speech. Bizarre.

10:02 – Here’s why I’m a bad TV Editor — I see Tom Hanks on stage, accepting the award for John Adams for Best Miniseries, and I think “uhhhhWHAAAAAAA?” If anyone wants to fill me in, I’m too lazy to look it up.

10:08 – Individual Performance in a Musical, Comedy or Variety Program is up now, I forgot this was an award. I guess I usually goes to some singer. But tonight, it goes to Don Rickles. His speech was perfect, a nice mix of humility and comedy. Which was exactly what the message of his special was. Isn’t it weird when things end up being true?

10:14 – Directing for a Dramatic Series goes to House, instead of the obvious choice (Mad Men). No skin off my back, I like House. I bet the episode this guy directed featured an unsolvable disease of some kind.

10:16 – It’s a travesty, nay, a disaster, that The Wire loses to anyone in any category. But Writing in a Drama Series just went to Mad Men. And The Wire lost. Like, are these people serious? Do they get it, that their job is to give awards to the best TV shows?

10:23 – Lead Actor in a Miniseries is up now, and I know he’s not going to win, but come on. Ricky Gervais. Come on….. COME ONNN… nope. I couldn’t change the writing on the card with my brain. Paul Giamatti wins, for John Adams. So from what I heard, he was good. Not as good as Ricky Gervais, though. Remember that funny speech an hour ago? Where he got the Emmy back? That was fun.

10:26 – Oh it’s time to get serious now, Lead Actor in a Comedy Series. This is important. And the Emmy goes to Alec Baldwin! Congrats, you sad man. Well deserved, for sure. Read this if you haven’t, because he is sad. Even now, accepting the award, he feels undeserving.

10:28 – Haha, remember that time that America Fererra tried to talk into a microphone and it didn’t work? I sure do, because it was just now! Glenn Close wins Outstanding Actress in a Drama for Damages. Cut to a shot of Ted Danson, wearing futuristic space goggles that he bought while playing squash on Venus.

10:30 – A lot of influential, important people died this year. An especially sad Emmys tribute montage. Combine that with a soft piano version of “Whiter Shade of Pale” and I’m just bawling over here. As this goes on, I find myself thinking “Oh wow, that’s right…” And a hell of a way to end it, with that Carlin bit about death. Finally, something the Emmys got right.

10:38 – They’re just rushing through awards now, because they are running out of time. So I’ll just rush through this as Mad Men wi– WHAT? Brian Cranston WINS for Best Actor in a Drama! That came out of left field. He certainly deserved it, though, he is fantastic on Breaking Bad.

10:40 – Tina Fey wins for Best Actress in Comedy. She’s looking good tonight, if you ask me. Hey, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, don’t look so sad. We all knew you weren’t going to win. Your show is terrible.

10:44 – Now, the category they’re trying to make us care about, Reality Show Host (featuring the five incompetent hosts who have been shoddily keeping this show on track by insisting that they don’t know what they’re doing). Jimmy Kimmel is a good presenter, he’s slightly more in on the bit than American Ferrera would be. And naming all the nominees, making them stand on stage, and then saying the winner would be announced after a commercial break was actually very funny. But then they actualy cut to a commercial, which makes the joke less funny and more annoying.

10:50 – And we’re back from break. The winner of the Reality Show Host Emmy is… Jeff Probst. Yuck. Wouldn’t we all rather see Heidi up there looking fine? Or Tom Bergeron up there, making everyone think “Who the hell is that?”

10:52 – Mary Tyler Moore just needs to embrace gray hair. I’m sure she could look great with it. With that brown hair, and those old lady arms, I feel like the top of her head is stuck in a time void.

10:54 – Alright! 30 Rock wins again for Best Comedy. I was so ready to throw my computer to the ground if they gave it to Entourage. Tina Fey’s plea for viewers was reminiscent of the speech made by the Arrested Development guys years ago.

10:56 – The big award of the night, Best Drama, goes to Mad Men. All I’ll say is that they won the award The Wire should have won for the past five years. This was The Wire’s award. Mad Men, good job. Thieves.

11:00 – And so ends the 60th Emmy Awards. A flimsy premise (remember these old shows? That we chose randomly?), executed poorly by a team of hosts who honestly seemed like they had never been on a stage before. Three hours I’ll never get back. Sigh….

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