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This column ran in today’s inside beat, the weekly entertainment section of The Daily Targum. That neat photo of me ran above the column, meaning my face is now famous.

Whether you’re a freshman involved in your seventh ice-breaker of orientation, looking for an easy way to start a conversation at a party, or just chatting at a bus stop, there is one no-fail topic for people our age: old school Nickelodeon.

Before you throw your newspaper computer down and announce to everyone that you remember “Rugrats,” take a moment to read on. This is not a column remembering the good old days. Instead, I’m attempting to help the Rutgers Internet community raise the level of intelligent discourse surrounding the programs we all remember.

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Frank Micelotta/Getty Images

Jack Black is back… and nobody seems to care.

I know the Kids’ Choice Awards are only about 10 minutes in, but this event is just bizarre. This is nothing against Jack Black’s performance as host.  He’s overacting and hamming it up, being wacky-funny for all the kids.  But kids today don’t care about that stuff; they don’t even care about slime.

The celebrities present at the event are having a hard time pretending to enjoy themselves even when the camera is on them.  During Black’s opening dance number, they cut to celebrity reactions and not a single one of them was smiling.  They looked bored and out of place, even though the show had just begun. The only man who was having fun was Will Smith — probably because he has won the award for favorite actor for the past 21 years.


Kevin Winter/Getty Images

I enjoy the Kids’ Choice Awards, because they are a relic of old Nick.  Celebrities getting slimed, kids having fun and cheering for their favorite stars, awards being given to people who don’t deserve them.  But the enjoyment level just isn’t what it used to be.  The kids, the celebrities, no one seems to be having fun there.  And that translates to even less fun at home.  And little kids screaming and reaching for a spandex-clad Jack Black just doesn’t just feel staged… it feels gross

Here is a list of celebrities that kids don’t care about who are appearing on the show:

  • Emile Hirsch
  • Janet Jackson
  • Harrison Ford
  • Eddie Murphy
  • Amy Poehler
  • Howie Mandel
  • Jennifer Love Hewitt
  • Brendan Fraser
  • Jason Lee
  • Laila Ali

I’m going to continue watching, and I’ll add comments every time something bugs me.
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 icarly1.jpg

We’ve tackled the topic of Miranda Cosgrove on this blog before, but until now I had never seen an episode of iCarly.  I’ve come to regret this very much, because after watching it today, I realize that it is basically pornography.

Since I’m not sure of names here, I’ll describe the characters as best I can to put you into the vulgar scene I just witnessed.  Blonde girl got a new boyfriend, and they were paying far too much attention to one another.  As she approached iCarly and the gay boy, she recieved a text message from her boyfriend. It read: The back of your head is cute.

Young teenagers falling in love has its unavoidable physicality, but should the network responsible for Jamie Lynn Spears really discuss oral sex on a sitcom featuring 12 year olds?

I thought that the storm had cleared after I finished writing my angry letter to Viacom, but I was in for a surprise.  It seems that iCarly’s older brother Dane Cook, with whom she lives, was called upon to speak with the children about the pitfalls of young love.  He explained to them that when he dated Jenny, he didn’t know that he had poison ivy for two weeks!  The children were confused; “How did you find out?” they asked him.

“Well, let’s just say, it spread to certain… parts.” Upon further confusion, Cook leaned in to whisper something into the gay boy’s ear to clarify his already vulgar statement.  The boy’s face filled with horror.

It should be assumed that he whispered, “Her vagina.”

I swear to you, this all happened on one episode of a show meant for children. And not on the gross-fest of Ren and Stimpy, nor on the satanism-preaching Wizards of Waverly Place. No, this happened on a show we thought was safe.  Executive Producer Dan Schneider’s message is clear — you can never protect your children, no matter how hard you try.  So just give up.

It wasn’t too long ago that Drake Bell was ruling to teen world but ever since the emergence of High School Musical, Hannah Montana, and the Jonas Brothers it’s like the world has forgotten about Drake.  His hit show on Nickelodeon was big with little kids and he too also was putting out his own music.  He was dating Vanessa Hudgens and she even sent him a naked picture of herself.  Lucky guy.  But we’ve all seen them haven’t we?  Anyway Drake, just wanted to let you know that I still think you’re a pretty cool guy.  I’ve been listening to a couple of your songs a lot lately, they are pretty catchy.  “Makes Me Happy” and “I Found A Way,” both are very enjoyable.  Personally I don’t really care what happened to Josh Peck, but you, I want you to make a comeback.